Toni-ism 09: Love Yourself First

It sounds so simple, but it's really the hardest thing to do. I didn't come up with this phrase, but I firmly believe in it: You have to love yourself before you can love somebody else. RuPaul made the phrase popular, but it's something we all have heard in one variation or another.

Growing up, I had serious depression issues. I remember thinking that there was no way I would ever be able to sustain any relationship because there was something wrong with me. I was too skinny or too gossipy or too much of anything that was a turnoff. Part of it came from some of the things I saw growing up. My brother's father was an abusive guy, but only towards myself and my mother. My brother never got so much as yelled at by his father from what I can remember. When I was a kid, I didn't know that he wasn't my father too (long story), so it made me think that abuse=love since I saw my 'dad' hurting my mother physically sometimes, but moreso mentally and emotionally. I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.

I went through my early teen years thinking that, if I was just everything that everyone wanted, I'd have the love that I so eagerly desired. I started giving myself emotionally to every person that came into my life, resting my happiness on tehir shoulders. That's not fair to do to anyone, but as a teenager, what do we really know about relationships? I know I was kinda clueless, but maybe that was just me lol. Anyway, I thought that the key to happiness was to have someone tell you they loved you.

When I was 17, I attempted suicide for the first time. I can't really say what led up to it, because I think I was just fed up. I felt that all of the people in my life were just there out of a feeling of obligation. I didn't think that anyone could love a girl like me. I felt that I was so flawed, I'd never be able to live amongst others and them not see the fucked up person that was me. I didn't realize that I was getting back what I was putting out there. I didn't know that, because I didn't think highly of myself, no one else did either. Sure, I had tons of 'friends' and went on dates and had boyfriends, but I never really felt loved. My best friend saved my life that day, by the way. She stayed with me all day and wouldn't let me go to sleep (I had taken pills) or anything. Lucky for me, her mother was a nurse, so she knew what to do.

As I grew up and went through things, I realized that the reason I wasn't happy with anyone else is because I wasn't happy with myself. I didn't love myself enough to know when to stay and when to leave. I didn't have hte confidence and security to put myself first. Once I realized that love starts with me, my whole life changed. I became more confident and realized I could make it on my own because I had the love of God and loved myself enough to make sure it happened.

When you reach the point in life where your love of self is strong, you find the strength to stand up for what you want. Now that I love Toni for who she is, I'd never tolerate abuse of any kind from anyone, whether they be family or stranger. Once you love yourself, it makes you strong enough to love someone else. Otherwise, you'll just be their puppet, letting them string you along on their own journey, when your journeys should be joint.

Love yourself first. Know your worth. Allow no one to make you feel like you aren't worthy of love. These are things I tell myself every day. I'm not saying that I have all teh answers, because Lord knows I'm a mess, but I know what's worked for me. I love myself enough to walk away from situations that I may have tolerated a few years ago. I love myself enough to fight for what I believe in. I love myself enough to love my son with everything I have. I love myself enough to love you.

Well, lovies, that's all for now. Until next time....

Con mucho amor,

Toni

My Love/Hate Relationship With My Job

Let me start by saying that I know that I am truly blessed to have a job PERIOD in this economy, much less a job where I get to work from home every day. Plus, I get to work in a field that is a passion of mine, which is always great. However, just like with any job, there are pros and cons to working at home.

PRO: No set schedule per say

Since I work at home, I can pretty much set my own 'business hours' so to speak. I don't have to be at work from 9-5 like most people that work for my company. I definitely am not mad that I don't have to wake up at the asshole crack of dawn to commute to some office and all that jazz. This pro can be a con though in the line of work I'm in because you never know when news is gonna break, so I have to be available whenever they need me. But, that rarely happens, so we'll keep this in teh pros column.

CON: I kinda miss having someplace to go every day

Now, don't get me wrong, being able to sit in my house in my pjs all day is definitely a good look. But there are days when I kinda miss having somewhere to go, you know? I kinda miss having an excuse to do my hair and all that jazz. Since I'm at home, I pretty much rock a ponytail or my scarf since I'm not going anywhere.

PRO: I am doing what I love

The fact that I get to blog and be a part of creating a blog team for a huge corporation makes my heart sing. I love that I'm helping them reach a goal and making an impact on how they do things. Plus, this experience is helping me learn about the backend of blogging, the behind the scenes stuff that I need to know for when I start doing my own thing.

CON: Motivation to work sometimes is hard

Working from home always sounds so easy to people, myself included before this, but it's a lot harder than I anticipated. Finding the motivation to actually climb outta bed and work can be hard sometimes when you know there's not a specific deadline or anything. Some days, I just wanna stay under the covers, but I know that if I do, I won't get paid. While you'd think that money would be enough to motivate me to get up outta bed, sometimes my sleepiness makes it hard.

PRO: I work alone

I love people, don't get me wrong, but having to depend on someone else to get something done irritates me to no end. Especially if they're holding me up over something dumb. Working alone gives me assurance that I'm getting things done.

CON: I work alone

Since it's just me here, I don't have that extra push of support and help, if needed, to get things done. Sure, I can always call my boss and get assistance or whatever, but it's not the same as being in the same building with them. Knowing your boss is only 5 feet away is a helluva motivating force to get things done. Plus, I get kinda lonely here all by myself while Dominic is at school and the roommies are at work. I miss having someone to talk to when I go on smoke breaks or whatever.

PRO: My bosses truly appreciate and respect me

I know so many people that are working for people and are miserable for one reason or another. I can honestly say that I'm the happiest I've ever been about a job. The only other paying job I had that was as much fun to me was when I worked at Waffle House in Georgia. I love that I get to write every day. It's a very exilerating feeling when you see your dreams being realized. That makes all the shit that is kinda difficult seem so meaningless. To know that my bosses recognize my skills and ask my input on things makes me feel like thebomb.com. Plus, my bosses are all really cool. I was lucky enough to meet them and get to know them a little before they hired me.

Like I said before, I'm truly blessed to have ANY job, so I'm grateful. Plus, I do love that I get to be home with Dominic more. Everyone says I'm so lucky to get to work at home, which is true, but I just wanted y'all to know it's not as easy as you might think. It takes a lot of self-motivation and organization to do it.

Until next time, 

Toni

Dear Attic/Balloon Boy and Family

Dear Attic/Balloon Boy and Family,

First of all, Falcon, let me say that I am glad that you were safe in your hiding place rather than floating into oblivion. Now that I've said that, let me tell you how much I am over your family.

To know that, while the whole country was watching your lil device float across the Colorado skyline, your lil ass was chillin in a garage attic (allegedly) pisses me off to no end. I mean, the whole damn country was worried and sending prayers your way when the whole time you and your fam was chillin watching it unfold. I'm too through with you, Falcon. I watched you and your two bad ass brothers on Larry King hitting each other and whatnot and your mother just sat there smiling like a damn fool. I saw your fam's episode on WifeSwap and thought that you were more the type of family that needs Super Nanny Jo Frost. I'm sure she would've been able to whip your family into shape.

Now, to Falcon's parents, I have to ask, what kind of parents are you?! I've seen some media whores in my time, but you two take the fucking cake. To pimp out your son just to get a reality show deal is beyond disgusting. It's downright criminal. To see that the police in your town are gonna press criminal charges against you two makes my heart smile. I'm not one to be happy about anything bad happening to anyone, but you deserve it. You two spent tax payer dollars to get on television. What kind of bullshit is that?! You put on a great show though, I must admit. I was one of the millions of Americans that was on the edge of myseat, praying for Falcon. How can you look at yourselves and not feel like shit?

To add insult to injury, it is being alleged that you two shitbags had a media outlet help you set up this little scene. I swear you two should be working for network television. Did you guys work on the script together? Did they tell you how to handle the other media you would encounter after the fact? These are questions we all want to, and deserve, to know. Oh, and your lawyer is a dick. For him to have an attitude on the news about you guys hopefully being prosecuted for pulling the wool over the public's eyes is just stupid. I guess I just really want to understand where the hell any of you gets the nerve to have an attitude with ANYONE after the bull you pulled, but whatever.

I guess the big question is, how do you live with yourself? How can you bastards look in the mirror every day knowing that the whole country had your back and you stabbed us in ours? I mean, we should have guessed it was a hoax when you let little Falcon throw up on tv twice. But he screwed up your plans by blurting the truth out during tha tLarry King interview, huh? Damn kids and their inheriant honesty. How could you use your own kid to make a quick buck? I am a mother, and could never imagine getting rich off of my son in such a way.

Well, I hope you two enjoy prison and that your three sons are going to get the care they need while y'all are locked up. It's not their fault you raised them that way.

Toni

The Art of Prevention

Okay so, in my last post I mentioned 'prevention'. Let me explain that in case you're unfamiliar. The Art of Prevention is something we all learned about from our parents growing up but they didn't call it that. It was more like, 'If you knew you were gonna get in trouble, why did you do it in the first place'?. THAT is what happens when you don't practice prevention. Basically, The Art of Prevention is thinking about the outcome before you do something. I know this seems like something that's pretty simple and is commonsense, but if there's one thing I've learned in my 29 years on this planet is that common sense isn't something everyone has. That's why I'm writing this blog. Hopefully it will turn the lights on in someone's head.

The Art of Prevention is something that will come naturally as you practice it more, just like with any other lifestyle choice. Let's create a scenario: Let's say that you have a homegirl/boy that you know for a fact is gonna get too wasted and more than likely get escorted out of a club if they go with you. Now, what do you do? Do you go out with them anyways and just make sure you got bail money or do you stay home? I'll admit that, for many years, my choice would have been the first one. I have a friend that I love dearly, but she's a hot damn mess and is always starting some drama when we go out anywhere. The right thing to do for me is now to just not go out with her crazy ass anymore because I'm not trying to be Big Bertha's bitch you feel me? THAT is the Art of Prevention. I know she's gonna have me taking my earrings off and shit if I go out with her, so I now stay home or go out elsewhere. It doesn't mean I love her any less, because I love her to death to be honest. But, I have to do what's best for me and my family, which means staying my ass home sometimes lol.

Here's another scenario: You have a co-worker who is just plain reckless out of their mouth when they speak to you, whether it's in person or via email. What do you do? Do you go over to their office/cubical and beat the shit outta them on general principle? As much fun as that would be, we all know you can't just go around beating the shit outta people just because they piss you off and were never taught how to talk to people. Instead, you go to your supervisor and let them know that this bitch got one more time (well, maybe not in those words per say lol) or you're gonna snap. Your boss may find a way to keep your contact with them limited, or end it all together. THAT's prevention. You're taking the responsible steps to keep yourself from killing a mofo.

I could give you a zillion options and scenarios, but I think you guys get the idea. To sum it up, The Art of Prevention can save you from unsavory and undesired experiences. All you have to do is take the five seconds to think before you act. I'm not saying it's the answer to all of your problems, but if used correctly it can totally help you. Just don't use it as a crutch to be afraid to do something. Think and weigh your possibilities in every situation. Sometimes, the thing that seems the best solution isn't always necessarily so.

Untill next time, my loves, remember that if you don't protect yoruself from the fuckery, who else will?

Abrazos y Besos (Hugs & Kisses),

Toni

Toni-ism 15: Don't Let Basicness Infect Your Life

Hello, hello world! I know it's been like a month since I wrote here, but I've been hella busy. I"m writing for a new site (in addition to the others I work for), http://www.nikerabackstage.com/. It's a site connected with my girl Nikki's clothing line, Nikera Clothing. I'm loving it! Y'all know me, if nothing else I love to stay busy. Dominic is great, thanks for asking if you did mentally lol. He got all A's & B's on his progress report, so I'm happy.

Okay so, let me get to this. For those of you that are friends of mine on Twitter, you know that a while back, I tweeted my 'Toni-isms'. Now, these are beliefs that I have on how to live life and survive somewhat unscathed. I don't claim to be someone that has all of the answers to happiness and success, but these are things that work for me. A kind of mantra if you will. Anyways, I'm going to start putting htem on my blog here to share with you guys. Now, there will be numbers, but those aren't necessarily the numerical order that they are in in my mind. I moreso put them on there to be cute if you really wanna know lol.

We're gonna talk about basicness today, because I seem to find myself surrounded by it on a regular basis to no fault of my own. Now, the Toni-ism is: 'Don't let basicness infect your life.' When I say 'your life', I mean all aspects of it. When you allow basciness to infect your life, just like with any other disease (like hateration), it eats away at your defenses and makes your immunity to the bullshit go down. Thus, you find yourself thrust full force into the world of the basic, and who wants to be there? Not me said the flea!

Now, for those of you that aren't familiar with the concept of basicness, I put Lil Duval's definition of a basic bitch as the pic on this post. However, don't be fooled into thinking that chicks are the only ones out here doing basic shit. And, there are different levels and degrees of basicness if you ask me. For example, a bitch that trolls the VIP/backstage area looking for a celeb is some basic shit, but it doesn't have to be as blatant as that. I believe that basicness is more of a state of mind than just actions. Basic bitches and dudes think that the ghetto fab way they live is okay. They think that mooching off of someone continuously is the thing to fucking do. Basic people think that their way of life is the only way to live, no matter how pitiful they apear.

I could really go on and on about my definition, but I'll leave it to you to define it for yourself. Basically (no pun intended), basic to me is anything less than productive. If you're a nigga living at home over hte age of 30 and think that's cute, you're a basic ass nigga to me. Get up, get out and do something! Now, this total lack of motivation and desire for more in life is exactly why I tell myself to not let the basicness of others infect my life. People like that tend to pull you totally off track. Either they want you to support them in their basicness, or try to infect you with it. Any way you slice it, you gotta keep the basic out of your space as much as you can. Of course, when the basic person is a loved one or family, it's a little more difficult to exorcise them from your life and spirit. I feel like this: If me being in your presence makes me feel dumber or less than what I felt when I'm away from you, I'm gonna have to kiss you goodbye. It's not because I think I'm better than you, but because my own sanity and joy are more important to me. You can call me a bitch or mean or bougie if you wanna, but I have a child to raise, and if I'm not mentally and emotionally at peace, he won't be either.

I feel that the key to preventing yourself from being infected by the basic is to stand your ground. You have to know what it is that you are willing to accept and tolerate from people off top. If you know you don't wanna have ot break up a fight at the club when you go out with someone, leave their ass at home! It's called prevention, people. I know many don't use that term, so I'll be doing a blog on that topic shortly. (Maybe today who knows? LOL) To keep shit away from you, you have to do whatever you can to stay away from it. When it's your family that's hitting you with the basic shit, you have to decide if they're worth the feelings you have once they're gone. If ANYONE in your life makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin for ANY reason, you gotta pull back. I know it's hard when it's your family, but you have to take care of yourself too. It's too much damn work to be everything for everybody all the time. At some point, you have to put your priorities and livelihood first.

At the end of the day, no one is perfect, but at some point you have to draw the line as to how much imperfection you can take. I know people that I love dearly but just can't be around them because I can't deal with the bullshit they do. Doesn't mean I love them any less than anyone else that resides in my heart, but I just can't allow myself to be sucked into their basic world. I just can't do it. I know that there are things about me that may drive the next person insane, so this whole thing isn't to try to slam anyone that's not 'like me' per say. I just refuse to allow someone's mentality and lack of whatever to bring me down. If I'm a bitch for that, so be it. Like I always say, 'I'm not a bitch. I just play one in your life.' Take that one any way you choose to.

Well, gang, I'm out! Drop me a comment and let me know what YOUR '-ism' or mantra is.

Con much amor (With Much Love),

Toni

A Look Into My Heart: Proceed With Caution

*DISCLAIMER:
What you are about to read took everything I had to publish. I always keep it 100 with y'all, because that's my way. But, I usually keep my heart and emotions very guarded....until now. Please, don't use what you read here against me. -T*

I'm back, y'all lol. I was just sitting on my balcony, conversing with Mary (my Tiwtter peeps know Mary lol), when out of nowhere, this flood of emotions came over me. I know that part of it is because I should be getting 'the monthly' soon, and, when you combine it with my Bipolar Disorder, I tend to go through these crzy emotional shifts. Sometimes, I'll get really angry and whatnot, mad at the world for really no reason whatsoever. Other times, like this week, I get really emotional and passionate. My heart gets so full that it overflows into my regular state of mind. Well, today, my heart said it's taking over my mind and hands, so I'm not really exactlly sure what I'm writing. I'm just letting my heart guide me. That being said, if this gets a little confusing, I apologize in advance....

Okay so, I have so much I wnat to say, but it's getting all jumbled up in my head right now smh....

Alright, here we go. Most people know me as this strong, sassy, to some attractive, inteligent woman that is just too diva for words. While this is all true, there's a side of me that you guys don't really get to see unless you've known me for years. And when I say years, I mean it. Sure, I get upset in front of people and am very vocal when it happens, it does things to me that I don't let everyone know. But, I make it my business to keep it 100 with people at all times, and sometimes that means putting yourself out there in the hopes tha tit may better the life of another person. Well, that's how I think at least.

When I get slighted, my first instinct is to attack back. Immediately, I want you to feel as bad as I do in that very moment. I know that's messed up, but that's how I protect myself from being hurt further. I've gone through so much in my life that I've developed this mentality that as long as people don't see your heart, they can't break it. I told myself a long time ago that I would never be anyone's victim ever again, and I meant it. People close to me know what I've been through in my life, but I'm going to share a piece of it with you now. Maybe knowing this will help you understand me better....

Like I told you guys earlier, 'Atlanta' was very abusive, but I didn't get into how. I'm going to give you an example. We were living together in this apartment in Marietta, right outside of Atlanta. We also worked together, which was his idea so that he could keep his eye on me since he didn't trust I wouldn't mess around while he was at work. He was insecure and crazy, but that's not the point of this story. Anyways, we went to the grocery store one night after work to get some stuff for the house. We were in teh checkout line and D was in the grocery cart seat (he was almost 2). The cashier was this like, 17 year old boy. I put my head down as 'Atlanta' had always instructed me to do when there was another guy around. Well, I had to look up to give the boy the money, which I did as quickly as possible and averted my eyes as I waited for the change ('Atlanta' said that I never needed to look another man in the face if I wasn't trying to talk to him). Well, that goes smoothly, in my mind at least.

We get in the car and are driving home when out of nowhere, 'Atlanta' grabs the back of my neck and slams it into the dashboard. I look over at him and he punched me in the face, giving me a black eye. He told me I disrespected him at the store and was flirting with that little ass boy. I swore to him I wasn't, that it was all in his mind. D was asleep in the backseat. I'm blessed to have a child that can sleep through a hurricane. He just mumbled to himself the rest of the way home, which scared me more than the yelling. I knew the mumbling meant that this conversation wasn't close to over, and that the punishment was only beginning. I kept asking myself as he drove, 'Did I flirt with him? Was I making eyes at him or something and I just don't remember? I must have done something.' Over and over, that played in my head like a movie soundtrack.

As 'Atlanta' put the groceries away, I laid D down in his bed and kissed him. I whispered in his ear, 'Mommy loves you, baby. No matter what happens to either of us in this life, never forget that Mommy loves you.' I had always told him that, but it took special meaning that night because I was certain that my life was going to end that night. 'Atlant' was too calm, walking around the house like shit hadn't just happened. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck, going to the bathroom every five minutes to cry and check my face, which was pretty swollen by that point. Once I heard that he had turned the tv up in the room pretty loud, I knew that I wasn't just being paranoid. I went into the bedroom, telling myself to just take whatever punishment he was giving out so that it would end quickly. That was always my little speech to myself before the shit hit the fan with him.

'Atlanta' told me that I had been a bad girl and asked me if I knew what happened to girls when they were bad. Well, since my brother's father used to abuse me and my mom, I had a pretty good idea. I told him yes. He said, 'Yes, what?' and walked closer to me. I started to cry and said, 'Yes, Daddy, I know what happens to girls when they're bad.' He asked me what and I replied, 'They get punished.' He kinda looked aat me like he couldn't see me for a split second, and I almost tried to run awy. But, then I remembered D was in the next room and I didn't want to take the chance of him getting up and seeing what was about to go down.

He said that, since I had broken the rules, I was gonna be punished. He said he was gonna do what my real father (whom I've never met and he knew this) and teach me how to follow the rules. He had me trun around so that my back was to him and made me pull down my pants and bend over. Then, he took off his belt and hit me with it. I'm no stranger to getting whoppings, because my mother didn't play either, but this was some out of this world typeof stuff. He hit me so haard that I almost blacked out at one point. He kept asking me if I understood why I was being punished. Of course, I said yes as quickly as I could get the word out. This went on for about five minutes. He told me to go wash my face and hurry up. I dragged myself into the bathroom and turned the water on. I didn't look in the mirror becuse I didn't want to see the pure pain on my face. My whole body hurt, and I had welts and marks on my ass from what had just taken plce. All I kept asking myself was WHY? Why was he doing this to me? Why couldn't I just get away from him? So many questions, but no answers.

I went back into the bedroom and saw that 'Atlanta' wasn't dressed, and I knew he wasn't finished. He told me to come lay down next to him. I laid on my stomach, of course, because there was no way I could've laid on my back. He told me to turn onto my side, which I did silently as tears filled my eyes. I could not believe this nigga really wanted to have sex with me knowing I was in so much pain already. He held me around my waist and handled his business as I laid there as limply as I could so he'd just hurry up and go to sleep. Once he was done, he passed right out. I went to the bathroom and sobbed as quietly as I could for about twenty minutes. I put Neosporin on my behind (embarrassing but true) and prayed to God that tomorrow would be a better day....

I told you guys this story to show you why I'm so guarded emotionally. 'Atlant' was supposed to love me and look what he did to me? How am I to trust anyone that says they love me? It took a long time, but I finally started opening my heart again, but barely. I have experienced real and true sincere love since 'Atlanta' and I split five years ago, but it wasn't easy. And when it comes to friendship, I'm even more guarded. I don't want anyone to get close enough to me to hurt me because it always happens.

Well, a person can only hold so much stuff ina closet before the doors won't close anymore, right? Tha'ts how my heart is feeling today; like a closet overflowing with shit. I'm all emotional today because I'm missing true friendship. I miss having people that I know I can call just to shoot the shit with. I have people in my life, but sometimes, I feel so alone. There are times when I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded room screaming but no one hears me at all. Does that make sense? The experiences I've gone through in my life have left me scarred, scars I feel like the whole world can see. That's why I'm such a smart ass and so sassy out of my mouth. I feel like, if I come across as such, people will think twice about trying to screw me over. I'm totally parnoid about getting hurt sometimes that I read more into things than what's there. I'll think someone ws saying one thing when it wasn't really meant to insult. Defensive, that's the term. I tend to get very defensive. It's my wy of pushing people away. Not so far away I can't reach them, but just outta my comfort zone for a moment, you know? I know tht makes no sense, to push someone away that you don't really want to leave, but in my crazy head, it works.

I'm very loyal, so much so that it has gotten me hurt inteh past because, even when I know it's not being returned, I continue to give love. It's s blessing and a curse at times, depending on the situation and the person involved. As I sid earlier, I can forgive, but I NEVER forget. I tend to hold onto shit sometimes, you know? Not really dwell per say, because life's too short for all that. But, when dealing with someone who's wronged me, I can't stop that voice in my head from screaming, 'GIRL! REMEBER WHAT THEY DID!!' Sometimes, it helps me because, since I want so badly for love to be returned, I may become blinded to their bullshit. But, when the person who fucked up has truly done things to right the wrong, I still hear that voice and can't shake that nagging voice telling me to pull back....

It's like in that song: 'Keep your heart, 3 stacks, keep your heart.' That's EXACTLY what I hear in my head whenever I find myself getting close to ANYONE, be it in an intimate way or just freindship. I know you can't give your love to everyone because everyone isn't deserving of it, but how do you know if you never open up to beging with? How are you supposed to know if they deserve your love when they don't seem harmful? How will anyone ever love you if you don't try to love them fully?....

I just want what everyone wants at the end of it all. I just want to be loved, respected, appreciated, honored, adored, ALL THAT GOOD SHIT by the people in my life. Right now, there's someone in my life tha tI feel wants to be freed from my love, and I'm having a hard time letting them go. They're just a friend, so it's not a romantic type of thing, but the love is still powerful. People tend to ignore sometimes the true strength and power of friendship full of love. We spend so much time looking for Mr./Mrs. Right in terms of marriage, we forget we need a strong team of friends as well. Friends that would walk through the fire with gasoline drawers on right alongside you. THAT'S how I felt about this freind, and I thought they felt the same. For a while now, they've been real dry; hardly ny communication at all, blnd when we do speak, that sorta thing. And it's blowing me. I've tweeted about it off and on for a while now. I've reached out to them and hope to hear back. If not, I know where I stand and, as hard as it will be, I'll have to change their lock to my heart. It'll hurt like hell, because they truly mean a lot to me, but I have to if tha'ts what they want. Like me and my sister have always said, 'I'm not in the habit of keepin nobody tht doesn't want to be kept.' I'm not gonna beg you to be my friend or to love me, because tha'ts not my style. Besides, why should I? I know my friendship to you was true and genuine, so I did my share. Hopefully, they want this freindship as much as I do....

Here's what I hope you guys took from this long ass story: You think you know how people feel, but you never really know until you take the time to ask. Alwys be sure to let the people in your life know they are appreciated. Make sure you give the same love that you want to receive. Learn from the past, but don't live in it. Protect yourself from harm, not love....

As always, thanks for listening. I hope this touched someone and leads them to sharing their feelings with someone they love. Its never too late to say I love you....

Con Todo De Mi Corozon (With All of My Heart),
Toni

When Exes Return On The Scene....

What's up, world? I'm getting straight to it today. Yesterday, I tweeted that my ex (we'll call him 'Atlanta') emailed me yesterday. Well, it brought back all these old buried emotions that I have towards him. Most were good, but there was a real nasty portion of our relationship too, and when I say it was nasty I mean NASTY! He and I were best friends for many years before we ever hooked up, so we knew each other really well. Like they always say, you never really know someone until you live together. About six months to a year after I split from my son's father, me and 'Atlanta' ran into each other again at my job (I was with BD in North Carolina, then moved back to Atlanta once we divorced). He found ME btw. Anyways, at the end of the day, while he was very loving and whatnot, there was an ugly side to him that I don't know if I can ever forget. That ugly side was abusive physiclly, mentally and emotionally. He hurt me in ways I'd never thought possible prior to that. So, I left 'Atlanta' in Atlanta and moved back to my homestate of Maryland.

That was five years ago, and we were in contact here and there via email for a while, until he got married. Then, he hit me with: 'Toni, as much as I love you and want us to be friends again like we were, I can't do it. I wouldn't want my wife to get hurt in the process, so we can't speak on the phone and shouldn't email each other often either.' 'Okay, nigga, BYE!' was the response screaming in my head, but I delivered that message in a much nicer way by agreeing to his wishes. Now that I've told y'all that, you can understand my shock and amazement when he contacted me via an unsolicited email.

As soon as I saw his name in my inbox, I kinda did an internal happy dance. Not because I miss him romntically, because that's DEFINITELY not the case. But because, at the end of the day, the friendship we had and that pure love we once shared before he became a psycho still means something to me. I've always been the forgive but never forget type, and with him there's no real exception per say. While I have forgiven what he did to me, I will never forget, and it's kept me safer in relationships I've had since being with him. I just realaly miss my friend. He was always my biggest supporter and protector when we were younger (we met junior year of high school) and up until the romantic relationsip got ugly. I miss THAT 'Atlanta', not the monster he claimed I turned him into. since our split and prior to his marriage, he went to counseling and whatnot and has, I'm glad to say, never laid a hand on his wife. So, I guess the fact he's grown up and changed makes me think we can be friends again.

Clearly, I still care about him deeply, but not in a romantic way at all. The sex we used to have was mindblowing to say the least, but it wasn't great enough that I'd become a homewrecker or anything to get a piece. That's not my style. Besides, I'm all about forward movement, you dig? If I wanted him, trust and believe I'm sure I could have him, but that's not my goal. I just want us to have a freindship again.

Why is that, when our exes hit us up, it always seems to be at the exact moment we're wondering how they're doing? Why does it resurrect the dead feelings and events you experienced with them? Damn you, 'Atlanta', for breaking YOUR rules. Now, I'm over here wondering what his purpose for writing me was. Not the words he said, but the intent behind them. Is he trying to fuck with my head, or is he sincerely just interested to see how I'm doing? I guess I'll never know until I ask him, which you and I both know I'm not gonna do unless I absolutly have to. I'm trying to maintain as much of a communication gap as possible until his true intentions are revealed. That's the safest thing I can do for myself becuse I'm not EVEN down for having to go down there because his wife is bugging or whatever. I live my life as drama free as possible, so I really don't need the aggrivation.

Well, loves, that's all for now. Had to get that out lol. I hope you all have a great one.

Besitos de mi corazon (Kisses from my heart),
Toni