Monday, February 1, 2010

From the Princess With Love: I'm Okay I Promise

This post is just to let you guys know that I'm okay. Yes, my father died, and yes, I"m really sad about it, but I'm okay. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel and all I say is 'I'm okay.' To be honest, I don't really know what else to say in response. am I supposed to say that I'm on the verge of being on a rooftop with a shotgun shooting random people just for the fuck of it? Probably not, although I can't say I haven't entertained the idea in the past few days (even before my father died). Am I supposed to say that my grief is starting to consume me, making it hard to even breath, much less function like a normal human being?

I mean, seriously, what the fuck kinda answer am I supposed to give to that question?! Like, how am I supposed to be able to put into words all of the different things I'm thinking and feeling right now? I just feel like folks don't really wanna know how I"m doing. It feels like people are just asking to be nice or something. I know that's not really the case, but that's how I feel sometimes. Part of it comes from my own self-esteem issues, not thinking that I"m really worthy of the love I get from people. And part of it comes from my knowledge of human nature. I know that there are people that will just pretend to be close to you just to make themselves look good or whatever.

I went through this phase last week where I was only talking to a very select few people. And when I say I wasn't really talking, I mean it. No tweeting, no texting, no phone calls, NOTHING. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I was trying to deal with what was going on in the best way I know how. I've always been the type that deals with things inwardly. Sure, I'll rant and swear and whatnot on Twitter or whatever, but at the end of the day, the things I'm dealing with are never really disclosed to anyone, not even those that are closest to me. Why? Because I've always believed that, when people know how you're feeling, they can use it against you later down the road. So, rather than give anyone ammunition against me in this battle called life, I keep all the stuff I'm going thru and feeling to myself.

So, for those that are asking, I'm okay. I'm not suicidal or anything. Homicidal maybe, but that's a story for another day lol. Don't worry about me. I'm a big girl that can handle any and everything put before me. My parents and God have made me into the strong princess before you. I know that your concerns come from love, and I truly appreciate it, but I'm okay, I promise.

Besos y Abrazos (Hugs and Kisses),
Toni (La Princesa)

'If You Need Anything, Let Me Know'

On Saturday, January 30,2010 at 11:55pm, my father, Eric William Jones passed away. He had been sick for a while, so we (my family) were prepared, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept or deal with.

Whenever someone loses a person, the first thing you hear after 'I'm sorry' is 'If you need ANYTHING, just let me know.' The latter phrase always puts me in a funky position. Not because I think I"m one of these people that doesn't need people, but because I've never really been the type that asks for help when I need it. I've always been the type to just work shit out on my own and, if it seems that I can't handle it, then and only then will I ask for help. It's a strange and viscious thing, this pride of mine. It's like, I want people to care enough about me to want to help, but understand that I'm not the type that's gonna ask you to do so.

My father always would get onto me about that. He'd say, 'Toni, no one out here can read your mind. How the hell are they gonna know you need help if you don't ask?' My thing is, how the hell am I supposed to ask for help when I have no idea how to even begin to form my lips to ask for help? I've always felt that, if you can't handle the situations in your life, it shows weakness. Of course, in extreme situations, you gotta get help from others. Like if you're being attacked or something. Trust and believe if my son was in danger or something, I'll ask any and everyone for help. However, when it comes to my needs and whatnot, I just can't bring myself to ask for help.

A friend of mine texted me the other day and said that they were here for me, which I've been getting a lot since my father fell ill four weeks ago. The part that really caught me off guard was when he said (via text) 'If you need anything, will you really tell me and come to me for help?' That's the part of the text that had me trippin'. this friend and I have worked together for almost two years and I consider them family. for him to know that he had to ask me that shows how much I truly don't ask for help. Of course, I replied that I'll ask for help if I need it, but I think him and I both know that it probably won't happen. Not because I don't think he'll help me, because he's done so much for me over the past two years, but because there's no way I can tell him, or anyone else for that matter, that I need help.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, because Lord knows I'm appreciative of every bit of love I receive from those I consider friends and family. I just wish I could make people understand that I'm not the type to ask for help, even when it's painfully obvious that I need it. *sigh* I just wish I could snap my fingers and make this whole fucked up situation disappear; make it like some terrible nightmare that's over because I'm awake now. But, this is real life, and I know that I can't do that. So, rather than tell those close to me that I need help because my heart is broken and my brain is totally consumed and I can barely get out of bed in the morning without my eyes filling with tears, I just say 'I'm okay. Thanks for being here. I appreciate you.' What else am I supposed to do? Provide a big list of things that I need, like hugs and kisses and to hear my father's laugh again? Um, no, that's not gonna work for me.

I can't ask you for help because I don't know how. I mean, clearly I know the words and am able to articulate them (in English and Spanish), but something inside of me just won't let me go to someone, anyone, and be like 'I need your help' because then it appears that I need you because I can't handle things myself. Then I end up feeling weak and also, it makes me feel like I owe you something, you know? Especially if the issue is a monetary one.

At the end of the day, thanks for being here for me. I love you all for your willingness to help me and my family get thru this hard time.

Con Todo Mi Corazon (With all my heart),