Monday, February 1, 2010

From the Princess With Love: I'm Okay I Promise

This post is just to let you guys know that I'm okay. Yes, my father died, and yes, I"m really sad about it, but I'm okay. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel and all I say is 'I'm okay.' To be honest, I don't really know what else to say in response. am I supposed to say that I'm on the verge of being on a rooftop with a shotgun shooting random people just for the fuck of it? Probably not, although I can't say I haven't entertained the idea in the past few days (even before my father died). Am I supposed to say that my grief is starting to consume me, making it hard to even breath, much less function like a normal human being?

I mean, seriously, what the fuck kinda answer am I supposed to give to that question?! Like, how am I supposed to be able to put into words all of the different things I'm thinking and feeling right now? I just feel like folks don't really wanna know how I"m doing. It feels like people are just asking to be nice or something. I know that's not really the case, but that's how I feel sometimes. Part of it comes from my own self-esteem issues, not thinking that I"m really worthy of the love I get from people. And part of it comes from my knowledge of human nature. I know that there are people that will just pretend to be close to you just to make themselves look good or whatever.

I went through this phase last week where I was only talking to a very select few people. And when I say I wasn't really talking, I mean it. No tweeting, no texting, no phone calls, NOTHING. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I was trying to deal with what was going on in the best way I know how. I've always been the type that deals with things inwardly. Sure, I'll rant and swear and whatnot on Twitter or whatever, but at the end of the day, the things I'm dealing with are never really disclosed to anyone, not even those that are closest to me. Why? Because I've always believed that, when people know how you're feeling, they can use it against you later down the road. So, rather than give anyone ammunition against me in this battle called life, I keep all the stuff I'm going thru and feeling to myself.

So, for those that are asking, I'm okay. I'm not suicidal or anything. Homicidal maybe, but that's a story for another day lol. Don't worry about me. I'm a big girl that can handle any and everything put before me. My parents and God have made me into the strong princess before you. I know that your concerns come from love, and I truly appreciate it, but I'm okay, I promise.

Besos y Abrazos (Hugs and Kisses),
Toni (La Princesa)

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