Wednesday, December 15, 2010
#LifeLessons: Being the Bigger Person Sucks Like A Whore Sometimes
Hello, my loves!
I know it's been a crazy long time, so let's skip the backtracking and get right into it. So, I fond out today that Child Support Enforcement thinks that they've found Ryan, Dominic's raggedy ass father that hasn't seen or talked to his son since D was 13 months old. Initially, of course, I was happy to hear the news. However, as time has passed, I'm beginning to have all sorts of mixed emotions, anger being the most prevelent. That leads us to the title of this blog. Everyone keeps telling me to calm down, take it easy, and not totally lose my shit on this dude. While I appreciate where it's coming from, I don't wanna hear that shit right now. All I care about at this very moment is that, while I've sturggled to make a life for me & D, this raggedy motherfucker has been in Alabama and Florida living it up.
Ryan doesn't even claim his son. He told this bitch that D's name that's tatted on his arm was a soldier he fought with that died in Afghanistan. See the shit I'm talking about? This asshat doesn't even claim Dominic, much less acknowledge his existence. MEanwhile, Dominic asked me once 'Mommy, is my Daddy dead or alive?' 'He's alive, baby.' 'Why doesn't he call or visit me?' 'I don't know, baby.' This is the shit I deal with while Mr. I'm a Cocksucker is out living the life.
I know it's not good to wish death or anything on another person, but I truly hate him. I've never actually hated someone before, much less this strongly and passionately. I'm a Leo, so you already know I'm always fired up. I put up with a lot of shit from him while we were together. I almost lost my son because Ryan cheated on me and gave me an STD that sent me into premature labor. Luckily, it was cureable, but still. My child could have DIED, you dig?
So, when y'all tell me to be easy or be the bigger person, excuse me if it's not something I wanna hear. I don't give a good got damn about too much of shit in this life other than my son and my family. I know that it's coming from the love you have for me & D, and I truly appreciate that love. But seriously, sometimes I'm not ranting on Twitter and Facebook looking for advice or to be calmed down. Sometimes, I'm just kirking off and venting so that I can go out into the world without shooting folks from a rooftop some damn where.
Yes, I know murder is a capital offense and brings life in prison. If I didn't know that, I woulda been tried to find that cock sucker and ended his epic fail of a life. If my son's well-being wasn't my #1 concern, I'd already be serving a sentence, so don't come at me telling me how to feel or how to react. If I say I wanna kick his ass, then that's how I feel. If you can't deal with me and my aggression, leave me the fuck alone. I have no time or patience for being told how to live my life and behave. Yeah, I know I'm better than this ans that and all that shit, but let me sink low for a minute shit. Let me, just this once, kirk off without having to hear a fucking lecture. My own mama doesn't even tell me no shit like that, so why would I take it from y'all?!
I don't want this to sound like I don't love you guys,because that's totally not the case. I love all of you, and put on my gangsta grill for y'all whenver you need me to, so why can't I get the same? Why is it that when I say I'm gonna hurt someone, I get the 'Calm down, Toni' bullshit until y'all need me to get gutter for y'all. Then it's cool that I'll fight a bitch, or a dude cuz y'all know I fight guys too, when it's for you. I can't deal with that shit.
At the end of the day, I just want to be treated like I treat others. I'm not saying I wanna fuck YOU up, so what's the big fucking deal?! I'mt tired of always being the adult, the bigger person and shit. It's already common knowledge that I'm not a nice girl, so why do people come at me and expect me to behave like I am. I'm not one for faking and shit. This is me, y'all. All the craziness and shit, that's me too, so you have two choices. You can either just let me fucking be unless I ask for you to do otherwise, or get the fuck outta my life.