*DISCLAIMER:
What you are about to read took everything I had to publish. I always keep it 100 with y'all, because that's my way. But, I usually keep my heart and emotions very guarded....until now. Please, don't use what you read here against me. -T*
I'm back, y'all lol. I was just sitting on my balcony, conversing with Mary (my Tiwtter peeps know Mary lol), when out of nowhere, this flood of emotions came over me. I know that part of it is because I should be getting 'the monthly' soon, and, when you combine it with my Bipolar Disorder, I tend to go through these crzy emotional shifts. Sometimes, I'll get really angry and whatnot, mad at the world for really no reason whatsoever. Other times, like this week, I get really emotional and passionate. My heart gets so full that it overflows into my regular state of mind. Well, today, my heart said it's taking over my mind and hands, so I'm not really exactlly sure what I'm writing. I'm just letting my heart guide me. That being said, if this gets a little confusing, I apologize in advance....
Okay so, I have so much I wnat to say, but it's getting all jumbled up in my head right now smh....
Alright, here we go. Most people know me as this strong, sassy, to some attractive, inteligent woman that is just too diva for words. While this is all true, there's a side of me that you guys don't really get to see unless you've known me for years. And when I say years, I mean it. Sure, I get upset in front of people and am very vocal when it happens, it does things to me that I don't let everyone know. But, I make it my business to keep it 100 with people at all times, and sometimes that means putting yourself out there in the hopes tha tit may better the life of another person. Well, that's how I think at least.
When I get slighted, my first instinct is to attack back. Immediately, I want you to feel as bad as I do in that very moment. I know that's messed up, but that's how I protect myself from being hurt further. I've gone through so much in my life that I've developed this mentality that as long as people don't see your heart, they can't break it. I told myself a long time ago that I would never be anyone's victim ever again, and I meant it. People close to me know what I've been through in my life, but I'm going to share a piece of it with you now. Maybe knowing this will help you understand me better....
Like I told you guys earlier, 'Atlanta' was very abusive, but I didn't get into how. I'm going to give you an example. We were living together in this apartment in Marietta, right outside of Atlanta. We also worked together, which was his idea so that he could keep his eye on me since he didn't trust I wouldn't mess around while he was at work. He was insecure and crazy, but that's not the point of this story. Anyways, we went to the grocery store one night after work to get some stuff for the house. We were in teh checkout line and D was in the grocery cart seat (he was almost 2). The cashier was this like, 17 year old boy. I put my head down as 'Atlanta' had always instructed me to do when there was another guy around. Well, I had to look up to give the boy the money, which I did as quickly as possible and averted my eyes as I waited for the change ('Atlanta' said that I never needed to look another man in the face if I wasn't trying to talk to him). Well, that goes smoothly, in my mind at least.
We get in the car and are driving home when out of nowhere, 'Atlanta' grabs the back of my neck and slams it into the dashboard. I look over at him and he punched me in the face, giving me a black eye. He told me I disrespected him at the store and was flirting with that little ass boy. I swore to him I wasn't, that it was all in his mind. D was asleep in the backseat. I'm blessed to have a child that can sleep through a hurricane. He just mumbled to himself the rest of the way home, which scared me more than the yelling. I knew the mumbling meant that this conversation wasn't close to over, and that the punishment was only beginning. I kept asking myself as he drove, 'Did I flirt with him? Was I making eyes at him or something and I just don't remember? I must have done something.' Over and over, that played in my head like a movie soundtrack.
As 'Atlanta' put the groceries away, I laid D down in his bed and kissed him. I whispered in his ear, 'Mommy loves you, baby. No matter what happens to either of us in this life, never forget that Mommy loves you.' I had always told him that, but it took special meaning that night because I was certain that my life was going to end that night. 'Atlant' was too calm, walking around the house like shit hadn't just happened. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck, going to the bathroom every five minutes to cry and check my face, which was pretty swollen by that point. Once I heard that he had turned the tv up in the room pretty loud, I knew that I wasn't just being paranoid. I went into the bedroom, telling myself to just take whatever punishment he was giving out so that it would end quickly. That was always my little speech to myself before the shit hit the fan with him.
'Atlanta' told me that I had been a bad girl and asked me if I knew what happened to girls when they were bad. Well, since my brother's father used to abuse me and my mom, I had a pretty good idea. I told him yes. He said, 'Yes, what?' and walked closer to me. I started to cry and said, 'Yes, Daddy, I know what happens to girls when they're bad.' He asked me what and I replied, 'They get punished.' He kinda looked aat me like he couldn't see me for a split second, and I almost tried to run awy. But, then I remembered D was in the next room and I didn't want to take the chance of him getting up and seeing what was about to go down.
He said that, since I had broken the rules, I was gonna be punished. He said he was gonna do what my real father (whom I've never met and he knew this) and teach me how to follow the rules. He had me trun around so that my back was to him and made me pull down my pants and bend over. Then, he took off his belt and hit me with it. I'm no stranger to getting whoppings, because my mother didn't play either, but this was some out of this world typeof stuff. He hit me so haard that I almost blacked out at one point. He kept asking me if I understood why I was being punished. Of course, I said yes as quickly as I could get the word out. This went on for about five minutes. He told me to go wash my face and hurry up. I dragged myself into the bathroom and turned the water on. I didn't look in the mirror becuse I didn't want to see the pure pain on my face. My whole body hurt, and I had welts and marks on my ass from what had just taken plce. All I kept asking myself was WHY? Why was he doing this to me? Why couldn't I just get away from him? So many questions, but no answers.
I went back into the bedroom and saw that 'Atlanta' wasn't dressed, and I knew he wasn't finished. He told me to come lay down next to him. I laid on my stomach, of course, because there was no way I could've laid on my back. He told me to turn onto my side, which I did silently as tears filled my eyes. I could not believe this nigga really wanted to have sex with me knowing I was in so much pain already. He held me around my waist and handled his business as I laid there as limply as I could so he'd just hurry up and go to sleep. Once he was done, he passed right out. I went to the bathroom and sobbed as quietly as I could for about twenty minutes. I put Neosporin on my behind (embarrassing but true) and prayed to God that tomorrow would be a better day....
I told you guys this story to show you why I'm so guarded emotionally. 'Atlant' was supposed to love me and look what he did to me? How am I to trust anyone that says they love me? It took a long time, but I finally started opening my heart again, but barely. I have experienced real and true sincere love since 'Atlanta' and I split five years ago, but it wasn't easy. And when it comes to friendship, I'm even more guarded. I don't want anyone to get close enough to me to hurt me because it always happens.
Well, a person can only hold so much stuff ina closet before the doors won't close anymore, right? Tha'ts how my heart is feeling today; like a closet overflowing with shit. I'm all emotional today because I'm missing true friendship. I miss having people that I know I can call just to shoot the shit with. I have people in my life, but sometimes, I feel so alone. There are times when I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded room screaming but no one hears me at all. Does that make sense? The experiences I've gone through in my life have left me scarred, scars I feel like the whole world can see. That's why I'm such a smart ass and so sassy out of my mouth. I feel like, if I come across as such, people will think twice about trying to screw me over. I'm totally parnoid about getting hurt sometimes that I read more into things than what's there. I'll think someone ws saying one thing when it wasn't really meant to insult. Defensive, that's the term. I tend to get very defensive. It's my wy of pushing people away. Not so far away I can't reach them, but just outta my comfort zone for a moment, you know? I know tht makes no sense, to push someone away that you don't really want to leave, but in my crazy head, it works.
I'm very loyal, so much so that it has gotten me hurt inteh past because, even when I know it's not being returned, I continue to give love. It's s blessing and a curse at times, depending on the situation and the person involved. As I sid earlier, I can forgive, but I NEVER forget. I tend to hold onto shit sometimes, you know? Not really dwell per say, because life's too short for all that. But, when dealing with someone who's wronged me, I can't stop that voice in my head from screaming, 'GIRL! REMEBER WHAT THEY DID!!' Sometimes, it helps me because, since I want so badly for love to be returned, I may become blinded to their bullshit. But, when the person who fucked up has truly done things to right the wrong, I still hear that voice and can't shake that nagging voice telling me to pull back....
It's like in that song: 'Keep your heart, 3 stacks, keep your heart.' That's EXACTLY what I hear in my head whenever I find myself getting close to ANYONE, be it in an intimate way or just freindship. I know you can't give your love to everyone because everyone isn't deserving of it, but how do you know if you never open up to beging with? How are you supposed to know if they deserve your love when they don't seem harmful? How will anyone ever love you if you don't try to love them fully?....
I just want what everyone wants at the end of it all. I just want to be loved, respected, appreciated, honored, adored, ALL THAT GOOD SHIT by the people in my life. Right now, there's someone in my life tha tI feel wants to be freed from my love, and I'm having a hard time letting them go. They're just a friend, so it's not a romantic type of thing, but the love is still powerful. People tend to ignore sometimes the true strength and power of friendship full of love. We spend so much time looking for Mr./Mrs. Right in terms of marriage, we forget we need a strong team of friends as well. Friends that would walk through the fire with gasoline drawers on right alongside you. THAT'S how I felt about this freind, and I thought they felt the same. For a while now, they've been real dry; hardly ny communication at all, blnd when we do speak, that sorta thing. And it's blowing me. I've tweeted about it off and on for a while now. I've reached out to them and hope to hear back. If not, I know where I stand and, as hard as it will be, I'll have to change their lock to my heart. It'll hurt like hell, because they truly mean a lot to me, but I have to if tha'ts what they want. Like me and my sister have always said, 'I'm not in the habit of keepin nobody tht doesn't want to be kept.' I'm not gonna beg you to be my friend or to love me, because tha'ts not my style. Besides, why should I? I know my friendship to you was true and genuine, so I did my share. Hopefully, they want this freindship as much as I do....
Here's what I hope you guys took from this long ass story: You think you know how people feel, but you never really know until you take the time to ask. Alwys be sure to let the people in your life know they are appreciated. Make sure you give the same love that you want to receive. Learn from the past, but don't live in it. Protect yourself from harm, not love....
As always, thanks for listening. I hope this touched someone and leads them to sharing their feelings with someone they love. Its never too late to say I love you....
Con Todo De Mi Corozon (With All of My Heart),
Toni
No comments:
Post a Comment