Monday, May 17, 2010

Toni-ism #4: Don't Dwell on What You Can't Change

Hey there, loves! I haven't posted a Toni-ism in a minute, so I figured today's as good a day as any to rectify that. Today's goes back with me as far as I can remember. I've always believed that dwelling and holding onto things that you can't change only hinders your growth as a person. Besides, why keep being upset over something when you can't make the outcome any different?

So often, we as humans find ourselves getting all pissed off or whatever appropriate emotion we feel when something happens. It can be an argument with a friend or loved one, or some dumb shit that happened at work. Regardless of what the circumstances are, we all have found ourselves in the position more than once where our anger/sadness/irritation with a situation or the behavior of another person somewhat consumes our thoughts. Rather than living and progressing, you find yourself stuck in a state of immobility. All you can do is think of and talk about how much what happened has you bent outta shape.

Of course, it's good and healthy to vent about it and talk to your friends about what's eating away at you. But, as some point, you have to let it go and move on. Holding onto all those feelings of anger and resentment are doing nothing to help the situation at the end of the day. Whomever it was still made you mad, still did what they did, and, in most cases, aren't sitting around thinking, 'Damn, I really messed up. Let me call/text/email them and make it right' because, just as you feel justified in your feelings, they feel so in theirs.

Emotions are a tricky thing. While no one can control the emotions of another or how they choose to act upon said feelings, we can control how we let it affect us. Sometimes it's hard for us to see past the situation and see the bigger picture, especially when the person we're in the situation with is a close friend or family member. When you love someone, it makes the emotions you feel about the situation ten times stronger, whether they be good feelings or bad ones.

At the end of the day, you have to let go and stop focusing on shit we can't change. Usually, as mad as you are at whomever, they're twice as uninterested in how you're feeling. Why give someone that much power and control over you and your emotions? If they were that concerned with how you're feeling about whatever went down, they would've contacted you. When dealing with situations at work, the best thing to do is just avoid them and keep it moving. I will admit that, when it comes to my coworkers, it's hard for me sometimes to just let the foolishness roll off my back. If I went off and wallowed in the frustration and bullshit every single time some shady stuff happened in here, I would not only have gotten fired, but who knows what else fooling with these saltines up in here.

Of course, there are circumstances that we find ourselves in that make it extra hard not to dwell. I know fo rme, one of those times was recently when my father passed. Part of me wanted to just lock myself in my room with my iPod and some green and just stay there forever. I stopped speaking to my friends and stuff. I was allowing my despair and sorrow to consume and paralyze me. Of course, I'm not over him passing by any means, but I have stopped dwelling in the sadness of it. I couldn't live like my dad always told me to by standing still. I still miss and think of him daily, but I don't let my sadness over his death stop me from living anymore.

And that, my loves, is the lesson to be learned. Of coure, we as humans are gonna get caught in our feelings when someone hurts us or whatever, but disappointment and pain are a part of life, just like joy and success. Rather than living in the past, I live for the future. Instead of dwelling on what I can't change, I look toward my future and remember that this life I"ve been given isn't going to last forever. So, I feel like there's no point in wasting what time I have left here worrying about something or someone that I can't change.

As I always say, I don't claim to be an expert on anything. I just know what has worked for me, what hasn't, and what I'm still trying to figure out. I do know that, no matter what or who it is, I won't allow someone to have power over how I feel about myself. I find that when you think about how much someone has hurt you or pissed you off, you end up looking inward and asking What's wrong with me for them to treat me this way/this to happen. Of course, that's natural. But, when you focus all of your energy on that rather than the things you have control over, you slip into a downward spiral of self-doubt and, sometimes, even self-loathing. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel like I'm less of a person, regardless of what I have contributed to teh situation. If I'm in the wrong, I'll say so, but I'm not gonna sit here and slit my wrists just because something happened I had no control over.

At the end of the day, loves, this is YOUR life. Hanging onto old shit and living in the past holds your future back. That's why we all want to PROGRESS in life, not DIGRESS (go back). Dwelling on what you can't change or control also blocks the joys of the present from being enjoyed. As my friend always tells me, God brings joy to the joyful.

Con Mucho Amor,

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