Dear Attic/Balloon Boy and Family,
First of all, Falcon, let me say that I am glad that you were safe in your hiding place rather than floating into oblivion. Now that I've said that, let me tell you how much I am over your family.
To know that, while the whole country was watching your lil device float across the Colorado skyline, your lil ass was chillin in a garage attic (allegedly) pisses me off to no end. I mean, the whole damn country was worried and sending prayers your way when the whole time you and your fam was chillin watching it unfold. I'm too through with you, Falcon. I watched you and your two bad ass brothers on Larry King hitting each other and whatnot and your mother just sat there smiling like a damn fool. I saw your fam's episode on WifeSwap and thought that you were more the type of family that needs Super Nanny Jo Frost. I'm sure she would've been able to whip your family into shape.
Now, to Falcon's parents, I have to ask, what kind of parents are you?! I've seen some media whores in my time, but you two take the fucking cake. To pimp out your son just to get a reality show deal is beyond disgusting. It's downright criminal. To see that the police in your town are gonna press criminal charges against you two makes my heart smile. I'm not one to be happy about anything bad happening to anyone, but you deserve it. You two spent tax payer dollars to get on television. What kind of bullshit is that?! You put on a great show though, I must admit. I was one of the millions of Americans that was on the edge of myseat, praying for Falcon. How can you look at yourselves and not feel like shit?
To add insult to injury, it is being alleged that you two shitbags had a media outlet help you set up this little scene. I swear you two should be working for network television. Did you guys work on the script together? Did they tell you how to handle the other media you would encounter after the fact? These are questions we all want to, and deserve, to know. Oh, and your lawyer is a dick. For him to have an attitude on the news about you guys hopefully being prosecuted for pulling the wool over the public's eyes is just stupid. I guess I just really want to understand where the hell any of you gets the nerve to have an attitude with ANYONE after the bull you pulled, but whatever.
I guess the big question is, how do you live with yourself? How can you bastards look in the mirror every day knowing that the whole country had your back and you stabbed us in ours? I mean, we should have guessed it was a hoax when you let little Falcon throw up on tv twice. But he screwed up your plans by blurting the truth out during tha tLarry King interview, huh? Damn kids and their inheriant honesty. How could you use your own kid to make a quick buck? I am a mother, and could never imagine getting rich off of my son in such a way.
Well, I hope you two enjoy prison and that your three sons are going to get the care they need while y'all are locked up. It's not their fault you raised them that way.