*DISCLAIMER:
What you are about to read took everything I had to publish. I always keep it 100 with y'all, because that's my way. But, I usually keep my heart and emotions very guarded....until now. Please, don't use what you read here against me. -T*
I'm back, y'all lol. I was just sitting on my balcony, conversing with Mary (my Tiwtter peeps know Mary lol), when out of nowhere, this flood of emotions came over me. I know that part of it is because I should be getting 'the monthly' soon, and, when you combine it with my Bipolar Disorder, I tend to go through these crzy emotional shifts. Sometimes, I'll get really angry and whatnot, mad at the world for really no reason whatsoever. Other times, like this week, I get really emotional and passionate. My heart gets so full that it overflows into my regular state of mind. Well, today, my heart said it's taking over my mind and hands, so I'm not really exactlly sure what I'm writing. I'm just letting my heart guide me. That being said, if this gets a little confusing, I apologize in advance....
Okay so, I have so much I wnat to say, but it's getting all jumbled up in my head right now smh....
Alright, here we go. Most people know me as this strong, sassy, to some attractive, inteligent woman that is just too diva for words. While this is all true, there's a side of me that you guys don't really get to see unless you've known me for years. And when I say years, I mean it. Sure, I get upset in front of people and am very vocal when it happens, it does things to me that I don't let everyone know. But, I make it my business to keep it 100 with people at all times, and sometimes that means putting yourself out there in the hopes tha tit may better the life of another person. Well, that's how I think at least.
When I get slighted, my first instinct is to attack back. Immediately, I want you to feel as bad as I do in that very moment. I know that's messed up, but that's how I protect myself from being hurt further. I've gone through so much in my life that I've developed this mentality that as long as people don't see your heart, they can't break it. I told myself a long time ago that I would never be anyone's victim ever again, and I meant it. People close to me know what I've been through in my life, but I'm going to share a piece of it with you now. Maybe knowing this will help you understand me better....
Like I told you guys earlier, 'Atlanta' was very abusive, but I didn't get into how. I'm going to give you an example. We were living together in this apartment in Marietta, right outside of Atlanta. We also worked together, which was his idea so that he could keep his eye on me since he didn't trust I wouldn't mess around while he was at work. He was insecure and crazy, but that's not the point of this story. Anyways, we went to the grocery store one night after work to get some stuff for the house. We were in teh checkout line and D was in the grocery cart seat (he was almost 2). The cashier was this like, 17 year old boy. I put my head down as 'Atlanta' had always instructed me to do when there was another guy around. Well, I had to look up to give the boy the money, which I did as quickly as possible and averted my eyes as I waited for the change ('Atlanta' said that I never needed to look another man in the face if I wasn't trying to talk to him). Well, that goes smoothly, in my mind at least.
We get in the car and are driving home when out of nowhere, 'Atlanta' grabs the back of my neck and slams it into the dashboard. I look over at him and he punched me in the face, giving me a black eye. He told me I disrespected him at the store and was flirting with that little ass boy. I swore to him I wasn't, that it was all in his mind. D was asleep in the backseat. I'm blessed to have a child that can sleep through a hurricane. He just mumbled to himself the rest of the way home, which scared me more than the yelling. I knew the mumbling meant that this conversation wasn't close to over, and that the punishment was only beginning. I kept asking myself as he drove, 'Did I flirt with him? Was I making eyes at him or something and I just don't remember? I must have done something.' Over and over, that played in my head like a movie soundtrack.
As 'Atlanta' put the groceries away, I laid D down in his bed and kissed him. I whispered in his ear, 'Mommy loves you, baby. No matter what happens to either of us in this life, never forget that Mommy loves you.' I had always told him that, but it took special meaning that night because I was certain that my life was going to end that night. 'Atlant' was too calm, walking around the house like shit hadn't just happened. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck, going to the bathroom every five minutes to cry and check my face, which was pretty swollen by that point. Once I heard that he had turned the tv up in the room pretty loud, I knew that I wasn't just being paranoid. I went into the bedroom, telling myself to just take whatever punishment he was giving out so that it would end quickly. That was always my little speech to myself before the shit hit the fan with him.
'Atlanta' told me that I had been a bad girl and asked me if I knew what happened to girls when they were bad. Well, since my brother's father used to abuse me and my mom, I had a pretty good idea. I told him yes. He said, 'Yes, what?' and walked closer to me. I started to cry and said, 'Yes, Daddy, I know what happens to girls when they're bad.' He asked me what and I replied, 'They get punished.' He kinda looked aat me like he couldn't see me for a split second, and I almost tried to run awy. But, then I remembered D was in the next room and I didn't want to take the chance of him getting up and seeing what was about to go down.
He said that, since I had broken the rules, I was gonna be punished. He said he was gonna do what my real father (whom I've never met and he knew this) and teach me how to follow the rules. He had me trun around so that my back was to him and made me pull down my pants and bend over. Then, he took off his belt and hit me with it. I'm no stranger to getting whoppings, because my mother didn't play either, but this was some out of this world typeof stuff. He hit me so haard that I almost blacked out at one point. He kept asking me if I understood why I was being punished. Of course, I said yes as quickly as I could get the word out. This went on for about five minutes. He told me to go wash my face and hurry up. I dragged myself into the bathroom and turned the water on. I didn't look in the mirror becuse I didn't want to see the pure pain on my face. My whole body hurt, and I had welts and marks on my ass from what had just taken plce. All I kept asking myself was WHY? Why was he doing this to me? Why couldn't I just get away from him? So many questions, but no answers.
I went back into the bedroom and saw that 'Atlanta' wasn't dressed, and I knew he wasn't finished. He told me to come lay down next to him. I laid on my stomach, of course, because there was no way I could've laid on my back. He told me to turn onto my side, which I did silently as tears filled my eyes. I could not believe this nigga really wanted to have sex with me knowing I was in so much pain already. He held me around my waist and handled his business as I laid there as limply as I could so he'd just hurry up and go to sleep. Once he was done, he passed right out. I went to the bathroom and sobbed as quietly as I could for about twenty minutes. I put Neosporin on my behind (embarrassing but true) and prayed to God that tomorrow would be a better day....
I told you guys this story to show you why I'm so guarded emotionally. 'Atlant' was supposed to love me and look what he did to me? How am I to trust anyone that says they love me? It took a long time, but I finally started opening my heart again, but barely. I have experienced real and true sincere love since 'Atlanta' and I split five years ago, but it wasn't easy. And when it comes to friendship, I'm even more guarded. I don't want anyone to get close enough to me to hurt me because it always happens.
Well, a person can only hold so much stuff ina closet before the doors won't close anymore, right? Tha'ts how my heart is feeling today; like a closet overflowing with shit. I'm all emotional today because I'm missing true friendship. I miss having people that I know I can call just to shoot the shit with. I have people in my life, but sometimes, I feel so alone. There are times when I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded room screaming but no one hears me at all. Does that make sense? The experiences I've gone through in my life have left me scarred, scars I feel like the whole world can see. That's why I'm such a smart ass and so sassy out of my mouth. I feel like, if I come across as such, people will think twice about trying to screw me over. I'm totally parnoid about getting hurt sometimes that I read more into things than what's there. I'll think someone ws saying one thing when it wasn't really meant to insult. Defensive, that's the term. I tend to get very defensive. It's my wy of pushing people away. Not so far away I can't reach them, but just outta my comfort zone for a moment, you know? I know tht makes no sense, to push someone away that you don't really want to leave, but in my crazy head, it works.
I'm very loyal, so much so that it has gotten me hurt inteh past because, even when I know it's not being returned, I continue to give love. It's s blessing and a curse at times, depending on the situation and the person involved. As I sid earlier, I can forgive, but I NEVER forget. I tend to hold onto shit sometimes, you know? Not really dwell per say, because life's too short for all that. But, when dealing with someone who's wronged me, I can't stop that voice in my head from screaming, 'GIRL! REMEBER WHAT THEY DID!!' Sometimes, it helps me because, since I want so badly for love to be returned, I may become blinded to their bullshit. But, when the person who fucked up has truly done things to right the wrong, I still hear that voice and can't shake that nagging voice telling me to pull back....
It's like in that song: 'Keep your heart, 3 stacks, keep your heart.' That's EXACTLY what I hear in my head whenever I find myself getting close to ANYONE, be it in an intimate way or just freindship. I know you can't give your love to everyone because everyone isn't deserving of it, but how do you know if you never open up to beging with? How are you supposed to know if they deserve your love when they don't seem harmful? How will anyone ever love you if you don't try to love them fully?....
I just want what everyone wants at the end of it all. I just want to be loved, respected, appreciated, honored, adored, ALL THAT GOOD SHIT by the people in my life. Right now, there's someone in my life tha tI feel wants to be freed from my love, and I'm having a hard time letting them go. They're just a friend, so it's not a romantic type of thing, but the love is still powerful. People tend to ignore sometimes the true strength and power of friendship full of love. We spend so much time looking for Mr./Mrs. Right in terms of marriage, we forget we need a strong team of friends as well. Friends that would walk through the fire with gasoline drawers on right alongside you. THAT'S how I felt about this freind, and I thought they felt the same. For a while now, they've been real dry; hardly ny communication at all, blnd when we do speak, that sorta thing. And it's blowing me. I've tweeted about it off and on for a while now. I've reached out to them and hope to hear back. If not, I know where I stand and, as hard as it will be, I'll have to change their lock to my heart. It'll hurt like hell, because they truly mean a lot to me, but I have to if tha'ts what they want. Like me and my sister have always said, 'I'm not in the habit of keepin nobody tht doesn't want to be kept.' I'm not gonna beg you to be my friend or to love me, because tha'ts not my style. Besides, why should I? I know my friendship to you was true and genuine, so I did my share. Hopefully, they want this freindship as much as I do....
Here's what I hope you guys took from this long ass story: You think you know how people feel, but you never really know until you take the time to ask. Alwys be sure to let the people in your life know they are appreciated. Make sure you give the same love that you want to receive. Learn from the past, but don't live in it. Protect yourself from harm, not love....
As always, thanks for listening. I hope this touched someone and leads them to sharing their feelings with someone they love. Its never too late to say I love you....
Con Todo De Mi Corozon (With All of My Heart),
Toni
Thursday, September 10, 2009
When Exes Return On The Scene....
What's up, world? I'm getting straight to it today. Yesterday, I tweeted that my ex (we'll call him 'Atlanta') emailed me yesterday. Well, it brought back all these old buried emotions that I have towards him. Most were good, but there was a real nasty portion of our relationship too, and when I say it was nasty I mean NASTY! He and I were best friends for many years before we ever hooked up, so we knew each other really well. Like they always say, you never really know someone until you live together. About six months to a year after I split from my son's father, me and 'Atlanta' ran into each other again at my job (I was with BD in North Carolina, then moved back to Atlanta once we divorced). He found ME btw. Anyways, at the end of the day, while he was very loving and whatnot, there was an ugly side to him that I don't know if I can ever forget. That ugly side was abusive physiclly, mentally and emotionally. He hurt me in ways I'd never thought possible prior to that. So, I left 'Atlanta' in Atlanta and moved back to my homestate of Maryland.
That was five years ago, and we were in contact here and there via email for a while, until he got married. Then, he hit me with: 'Toni, as much as I love you and want us to be friends again like we were, I can't do it. I wouldn't want my wife to get hurt in the process, so we can't speak on the phone and shouldn't email each other often either.' 'Okay, nigga, BYE!' was the response screaming in my head, but I delivered that message in a much nicer way by agreeing to his wishes. Now that I've told y'all that, you can understand my shock and amazement when he contacted me via an unsolicited email.
As soon as I saw his name in my inbox, I kinda did an internal happy dance. Not because I miss him romntically, because that's DEFINITELY not the case. But because, at the end of the day, the friendship we had and that pure love we once shared before he became a psycho still means something to me. I've always been the forgive but never forget type, and with him there's no real exception per say. While I have forgiven what he did to me, I will never forget, and it's kept me safer in relationships I've had since being with him. I just realaly miss my friend. He was always my biggest supporter and protector when we were younger (we met junior year of high school) and up until the romantic relationsip got ugly. I miss THAT 'Atlanta', not the monster he claimed I turned him into. since our split and prior to his marriage, he went to counseling and whatnot and has, I'm glad to say, never laid a hand on his wife. So, I guess the fact he's grown up and changed makes me think we can be friends again.
Clearly, I still care about him deeply, but not in a romantic way at all. The sex we used to have was mindblowing to say the least, but it wasn't great enough that I'd become a homewrecker or anything to get a piece. That's not my style. Besides, I'm all about forward movement, you dig? If I wanted him, trust and believe I'm sure I could have him, but that's not my goal. I just want us to have a freindship again.
Why is that, when our exes hit us up, it always seems to be at the exact moment we're wondering how they're doing? Why does it resurrect the dead feelings and events you experienced with them? Damn you, 'Atlanta', for breaking YOUR rules. Now, I'm over here wondering what his purpose for writing me was. Not the words he said, but the intent behind them. Is he trying to fuck with my head, or is he sincerely just interested to see how I'm doing? I guess I'll never know until I ask him, which you and I both know I'm not gonna do unless I absolutly have to. I'm trying to maintain as much of a communication gap as possible until his true intentions are revealed. That's the safest thing I can do for myself becuse I'm not EVEN down for having to go down there because his wife is bugging or whatever. I live my life as drama free as possible, so I really don't need the aggrivation.
Well, loves, that's all for now. Had to get that out lol. I hope you all have a great one.
Besitos de mi corazon (Kisses from my heart),
Toni
That was five years ago, and we were in contact here and there via email for a while, until he got married. Then, he hit me with: 'Toni, as much as I love you and want us to be friends again like we were, I can't do it. I wouldn't want my wife to get hurt in the process, so we can't speak on the phone and shouldn't email each other often either.' 'Okay, nigga, BYE!' was the response screaming in my head, but I delivered that message in a much nicer way by agreeing to his wishes. Now that I've told y'all that, you can understand my shock and amazement when he contacted me via an unsolicited email.
As soon as I saw his name in my inbox, I kinda did an internal happy dance. Not because I miss him romntically, because that's DEFINITELY not the case. But because, at the end of the day, the friendship we had and that pure love we once shared before he became a psycho still means something to me. I've always been the forgive but never forget type, and with him there's no real exception per say. While I have forgiven what he did to me, I will never forget, and it's kept me safer in relationships I've had since being with him. I just realaly miss my friend. He was always my biggest supporter and protector when we were younger (we met junior year of high school) and up until the romantic relationsip got ugly. I miss THAT 'Atlanta', not the monster he claimed I turned him into. since our split and prior to his marriage, he went to counseling and whatnot and has, I'm glad to say, never laid a hand on his wife. So, I guess the fact he's grown up and changed makes me think we can be friends again.
Clearly, I still care about him deeply, but not in a romantic way at all. The sex we used to have was mindblowing to say the least, but it wasn't great enough that I'd become a homewrecker or anything to get a piece. That's not my style. Besides, I'm all about forward movement, you dig? If I wanted him, trust and believe I'm sure I could have him, but that's not my goal. I just want us to have a freindship again.
Why is that, when our exes hit us up, it always seems to be at the exact moment we're wondering how they're doing? Why does it resurrect the dead feelings and events you experienced with them? Damn you, 'Atlanta', for breaking YOUR rules. Now, I'm over here wondering what his purpose for writing me was. Not the words he said, but the intent behind them. Is he trying to fuck with my head, or is he sincerely just interested to see how I'm doing? I guess I'll never know until I ask him, which you and I both know I'm not gonna do unless I absolutly have to. I'm trying to maintain as much of a communication gap as possible until his true intentions are revealed. That's the safest thing I can do for myself becuse I'm not EVEN down for having to go down there because his wife is bugging or whatever. I live my life as drama free as possible, so I really don't need the aggrivation.
Well, loves, that's all for now. Had to get that out lol. I hope you all have a great one.
Besitos de mi corazon (Kisses from my heart),
Toni
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friends, How Many Of Us Have Them?
What's good, world? I know I've been remiss in my blogging duties on here as of late, but a sista has been super busy. Anyway, let me tell y'all about the convo I had with Wynter (my sister by choice not blood) today about these chicks we THOUGHT we our friends, BEST FRENDS. Let me give you some history for a second. I'll be brief I promise. Okay so, Wynter and I met the summer I moved to Georgia from Maryland, making that the summer of '96, right before I started my junior year of high school. Anyway, once school started that year, we met these three sisters; Natalie*, Cherri* and Tameka*. Now, Wynter was a freshman, Natalie a sophmore, I was a junior, Cherri was a senior andTameka was still in middle school. So we've all known each other for over 11 years, so the foolishness I'm about to tell y'all is gonna blow you away.
Fast forward through the years of partying, boys, fights (Cherri set me up once and I ended up having to fight this fat bitch, but that's a story for another time), drunk nights and babies (Cherri had her 1st her senior year that doesn't live with her anymore, has a son and a new lil girl; I had Dominic; Wynter has Isaiah and Amya, my godkids; Natalie had an abortion). Me and Wynter have always remained close over the years (So much so that when I don't hear from her for an extended amount of time, I start to worry about her and vice versa.), but the other three have pulled away. Tameka just graduated from college or is about to and is dating some Olympic track guy (he didn't win gold btw) and is supposed to be living phat; Cherri just had her third child, a daughter, but couldn't even invite Wynter to the baby shower and Wynter lives 10 minutes away from them. Then the bitch asks Wynter for my niece's bassinet for her baby. Wynter told her no flat out, but the reason isn't cuz she's a bitch. It'll all make sense, just bear with me please. and Natalie, well, she works for some tv station down in Atlanta, but she ain't doing too much of shit to be honest. Now, bear in mind I only know all of this information from Facebook (cuz Tameka and Natalie are on there), Myspace (Cherri's still stuck in the past) or from Wynter because Wynter still talks to the sisters's mother, Mama K.
Okay so, I told y'all all that to get to this: Natalie hits me up on FB last week talkin bout:
'Here's my number hit me up sometime (insert number here)....and don't be like Wynter and just never call....and fill me up with lies like telling a kid you're going to take them to Disney World lol...' Y'all, I about passed out when I saw that shit. I had to read it like three or four times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. did this bitch really thinks she could jump out there like that when SHE'S the one who's been M.I.A. in the group for YEARS? It's not like Wynter doesn't call Natalie, cuz she does all the time, but Natalie's too caught up being dick whipped to ever answer the phone.
So, I hit her back and give her my number, because...well, I don't reallyknow why, I just did. So, she hits me back and asks what I'm doing these days work-wise (remember I told y'all she just finished college). Doesn't ask me shit about my son (who she's met) or my mother (who loves her like another daughter). After I told her what I do in connection with Radio-One, you know this bitch had the nerve to ask me if I could get her a job? I laughed from a good healthy place on that note. I mean, I don't talk to or see you in 6 years, and THAT'S all you have ot say to me? Then, you talk about my sister, the only one out of you bitches that ever did shit for me? Bitch, FUCK YOU and everyone that thinks like you!
I told Wynter today what Natalie said and of course, Wynter went off. See, me and Wynter don't get ot talk every single day like most friends because her fiancee hates my guts. So, when we do get on the phone, it's like a marathon convo. Me and Wynter went all the way back to the beginning of this 'friendship' and really examined it. We reached the conclusion that those three bitches have always been the cause or catalyst of some fucked up shit happening. Wynter is so pissed she doesn't know what to do. I told her that if I hve to go down to Georgia to beat the shit outta them I'm gonna be pissed. But Wynter's right, us living the way we do (drama-free and princess-like) is get-back enough. That's the ONLY reason I didn't put their government names in this blog btw.
The whole situation just blows the shit outta me because we were supposed to be GIRLS you know? SISTERS and shit. I always had their backs, even when people would tell me shit about them or ask why I even hung out with those chicks. I always answered the same: 'Cuz that's my bitch right there.' Even after Cherri did that foul shit and tried to get me jumped, I STILL half-ass fucked with her. Not on the same level of course, but I still had her back because that's what a true friend does. I'm so like, disgusted by this situation I dont' know what the fuck to do. Wynter says she's gonna call Natalie when her man goes to his game tonite and then call me, so I'll fill y'all in on what happens.
At the end of the day, this rant was to say: Examine your circle of friends closely. Don't ignore clues and signs that God sends you that show you who they truly are just because they're your friends. There's only so much shit you can fit in a closet before it overflows, you know? Now, me and Wynter are having to tell some chicks goodbye that we never thought we'd have to. Don't let your love for a person blind your eyes and mind to what's going on around you. You have to love yourself enough to know that you deserve true friendship from another person. A friendship is just like a romantic relationship without the sex and intimacy. Both parties have to work equally for it to be successful.
Okay, y'all, I'm done. *stepping off soapbox* I appreciate and love you for sticking it out and reading this whole thing lol. I know it's hella long but I had to vent. Thank you for listening....
Con Mucho Amor (With Much Love),
Toni
* Names have been changed to protect the stupidly triflin'.
Fast forward through the years of partying, boys, fights (Cherri set me up once and I ended up having to fight this fat bitch, but that's a story for another time), drunk nights and babies (Cherri had her 1st her senior year that doesn't live with her anymore, has a son and a new lil girl; I had Dominic; Wynter has Isaiah and Amya, my godkids; Natalie had an abortion). Me and Wynter have always remained close over the years (So much so that when I don't hear from her for an extended amount of time, I start to worry about her and vice versa.), but the other three have pulled away. Tameka just graduated from college or is about to and is dating some Olympic track guy (he didn't win gold btw) and is supposed to be living phat; Cherri just had her third child, a daughter, but couldn't even invite Wynter to the baby shower and Wynter lives 10 minutes away from them. Then the bitch asks Wynter for my niece's bassinet for her baby. Wynter told her no flat out, but the reason isn't cuz she's a bitch. It'll all make sense, just bear with me please. and Natalie, well, she works for some tv station down in Atlanta, but she ain't doing too much of shit to be honest. Now, bear in mind I only know all of this information from Facebook (cuz Tameka and Natalie are on there), Myspace (Cherri's still stuck in the past) or from Wynter because Wynter still talks to the sisters's mother, Mama K.
Okay so, I told y'all all that to get to this: Natalie hits me up on FB last week talkin bout:
'Here's my number hit me up sometime (insert number here)....and don't be like Wynter and just never call....and fill me up with lies like telling a kid you're going to take them to Disney World lol...' Y'all, I about passed out when I saw that shit. I had to read it like three or four times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. did this bitch really thinks she could jump out there like that when SHE'S the one who's been M.I.A. in the group for YEARS? It's not like Wynter doesn't call Natalie, cuz she does all the time, but Natalie's too caught up being dick whipped to ever answer the phone.
So, I hit her back and give her my number, because...well, I don't reallyknow why, I just did. So, she hits me back and asks what I'm doing these days work-wise (remember I told y'all she just finished college). Doesn't ask me shit about my son (who she's met) or my mother (who loves her like another daughter). After I told her what I do in connection with Radio-One, you know this bitch had the nerve to ask me if I could get her a job? I laughed from a good healthy place on that note. I mean, I don't talk to or see you in 6 years, and THAT'S all you have ot say to me? Then, you talk about my sister, the only one out of you bitches that ever did shit for me? Bitch, FUCK YOU and everyone that thinks like you!
I told Wynter today what Natalie said and of course, Wynter went off. See, me and Wynter don't get ot talk every single day like most friends because her fiancee hates my guts. So, when we do get on the phone, it's like a marathon convo. Me and Wynter went all the way back to the beginning of this 'friendship' and really examined it. We reached the conclusion that those three bitches have always been the cause or catalyst of some fucked up shit happening. Wynter is so pissed she doesn't know what to do. I told her that if I hve to go down to Georgia to beat the shit outta them I'm gonna be pissed. But Wynter's right, us living the way we do (drama-free and princess-like) is get-back enough. That's the ONLY reason I didn't put their government names in this blog btw.
The whole situation just blows the shit outta me because we were supposed to be GIRLS you know? SISTERS and shit. I always had their backs, even when people would tell me shit about them or ask why I even hung out with those chicks. I always answered the same: 'Cuz that's my bitch right there.' Even after Cherri did that foul shit and tried to get me jumped, I STILL half-ass fucked with her. Not on the same level of course, but I still had her back because that's what a true friend does. I'm so like, disgusted by this situation I dont' know what the fuck to do. Wynter says she's gonna call Natalie when her man goes to his game tonite and then call me, so I'll fill y'all in on what happens.
At the end of the day, this rant was to say: Examine your circle of friends closely. Don't ignore clues and signs that God sends you that show you who they truly are just because they're your friends. There's only so much shit you can fit in a closet before it overflows, you know? Now, me and Wynter are having to tell some chicks goodbye that we never thought we'd have to. Don't let your love for a person blind your eyes and mind to what's going on around you. You have to love yourself enough to know that you deserve true friendship from another person. A friendship is just like a romantic relationship without the sex and intimacy. Both parties have to work equally for it to be successful.
Okay, y'all, I'm done. *stepping off soapbox* I appreciate and love you for sticking it out and reading this whole thing lol. I know it's hella long but I had to vent. Thank you for listening....
Con Mucho Amor (With Much Love),
Toni
* Names have been changed to protect the stupidly triflin'.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Moving On and Moving Up....
Hey hey hey!! I know I have been a little remiss in my blogging duties lately, but life's been crazy to say the least. I won't get into all the specifics because I'll just get all irritated all over again. Just know that ya girl was on the edge, but the love and support you guys give on teh regular brought me back. Of course, God had His hands on me too, guiding me back into the light.
Okay, enough of the sadness. So, my birthday was last week. I turned the big 2-9 and don't know how I feel actually lol. I mean, I know that 30 is literally around the corner for me, which makes me look at where I am now and wonder what this year holds for me. I may not be exactly where I envisioned myself being at this age, but the spot I'm in isn't all that bad. I am finally writing for a living, which was always my dream. It may not be as glamorous as I imagined it would be when I was a kid, but the shit ain't bad either lol. I get to help others learn how to blog, and have gotten so many other great opportunities that I can't complain too much. I have a great son that makes my life worth living. I have you guys, my awesome friends, that make me feel like all of my insanity is kinda cute lol. All in all, life is good.
I titled this blog 'Moving On and Moving Up' because that's what I'm doing literally. I"ve moved on from all of the pain and sadness caused by things out of my control. I no longer am holding onto shit that happened so long ago I barely remember what went down in the first place. I'm letting go of the toxic people that have been poisioning my life and spirit for so long that I thought I was gonna need chemo to get their cancer out of my system. I feel so much better about my life than one would expect me to given the things I have gone through. But, that's all part of being a princess. Sometimes, you have to take the kingdom to war to make it stronger.
I'm moving up because this blogging thing is taking me farther than I could have ever anticipated. I am now a contributing writer for my homeboy AJ Supreme over at ajsupreme.blogspot.com, so be sure to look out for Dominican Princess. I'm going to be doing relationship advice and that sort of thing, which is a little different for me. I'm used to writing about other people like Kim Kardashian and Lil Wayne;s hoe ass, so I look forward to being able to share the things I have learned about relationships with everyone. Now, don't worry y'all. You know I will still be dishing the dirt with EZ Street for http://ezstreetshow.com and working with Radio-One's Internet division, so you'll still get what you're used to from me. I just think that it's good for you to have many layers to your skills. That way, you have more options when you're ready to move on ya know? But, I'm a loyal princess, so I stick by the kingdom I am in, meaning that if AJ, EZ and Radio-One want me out, they're gonna have to overthrow me cuz I'm in for the long haul.
Okay y'all, I've talked a hole in y'all's heads enough for the morning. Oh! Before I forget, I plan to start highlighting my friends' blogs that I love by recommending a link every time I blog. Today, I want you guys to go check out my homegirl Mish Goddess's blog, hiphopgoddess.blogspot.com. This girl is super dope, so check her out and tell her Toni sent you! :) On that note, I'm out!!
Con Todo Mi Corazon (With All My Heart),
Toni
Okay, enough of the sadness. So, my birthday was last week. I turned the big 2-9 and don't know how I feel actually lol. I mean, I know that 30 is literally around the corner for me, which makes me look at where I am now and wonder what this year holds for me. I may not be exactly where I envisioned myself being at this age, but the spot I'm in isn't all that bad. I am finally writing for a living, which was always my dream. It may not be as glamorous as I imagined it would be when I was a kid, but the shit ain't bad either lol. I get to help others learn how to blog, and have gotten so many other great opportunities that I can't complain too much. I have a great son that makes my life worth living. I have you guys, my awesome friends, that make me feel like all of my insanity is kinda cute lol. All in all, life is good.
I titled this blog 'Moving On and Moving Up' because that's what I'm doing literally. I"ve moved on from all of the pain and sadness caused by things out of my control. I no longer am holding onto shit that happened so long ago I barely remember what went down in the first place. I'm letting go of the toxic people that have been poisioning my life and spirit for so long that I thought I was gonna need chemo to get their cancer out of my system. I feel so much better about my life than one would expect me to given the things I have gone through. But, that's all part of being a princess. Sometimes, you have to take the kingdom to war to make it stronger.
I'm moving up because this blogging thing is taking me farther than I could have ever anticipated. I am now a contributing writer for my homeboy AJ Supreme over at ajsupreme.blogspot.com, so be sure to look out for Dominican Princess. I'm going to be doing relationship advice and that sort of thing, which is a little different for me. I'm used to writing about other people like Kim Kardashian and Lil Wayne;s hoe ass, so I look forward to being able to share the things I have learned about relationships with everyone. Now, don't worry y'all. You know I will still be dishing the dirt with EZ Street for http://ezstreetshow.com and working with Radio-One's Internet division, so you'll still get what you're used to from me. I just think that it's good for you to have many layers to your skills. That way, you have more options when you're ready to move on ya know? But, I'm a loyal princess, so I stick by the kingdom I am in, meaning that if AJ, EZ and Radio-One want me out, they're gonna have to overthrow me cuz I'm in for the long haul.
Okay y'all, I've talked a hole in y'all's heads enough for the morning. Oh! Before I forget, I plan to start highlighting my friends' blogs that I love by recommending a link every time I blog. Today, I want you guys to go check out my homegirl Mish Goddess's blog, hiphopgoddess.blogspot.com. This girl is super dope, so check her out and tell her Toni sent you! :) On that note, I'm out!!
Con Todo Mi Corazon (With All My Heart),
Toni
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Some Writings From the Vault....
Hey y'all!! Hope everyone is haveing a great day so far. So, I figured I'd post some of my poetry and stuff on here and give y'all a taste of the other writing that I do. I'm gonna post two poems and this kinda short story thingy I wrote. Please let me know what y'all think of them once you read them.
ONCE UPON A TIME....
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl that lived in the heart of the city. She had tons of people in her life that surrounded her with love and support. She was educated, had a great family, and was blessed all the way around. In spite of all this, she felt terribly lonely at times; doubtful of the love she was being given. Unsure as to why anyone would be drawn to someone as imperfect and flawed as she was. Uncertain of the praise she received, she would always find a way to deflect the compliments. She felt that, if she could see all of the scars and imperfections when she looked at herself, so could the rest of the world.
Then one morning, she woke up feeling as if it were the first time she had ever seen the sun. Suddenly, the whole world felt brand new. She looked at herself in the mirror and couldn’t believe what she saw. It felt as if she was looking at herself for the first time. For the first time in her life, she saw what others saw in her. All of the scars she had been wearing on the inside were no longer visible in her eyes and on her face as they had been for so long.
She closed her eyes and all of the words she had been hearing from her loved ones began ringing in her ears. And for the first tine in her life, she believed the words she was hearing. She believed she was capable of all things. She was convinced that she was deserving of the best. Not because she was entitled, but because she had EARNED it.
Now, that girl is proud to call herself a DIVA. She walks with her head held high, no longer allowing the past to weight her down. She has cleared her runway of debris and is ready to walk the clear path she has created for herself....
ADDICTED
I've always said relationships
Weren't for girls like me.
Kick it and quit it was
My motto, my philisophy.
Then you came along and
Suddenly, my whole outlook changed.
Now I'm over here strung out,
Your love flowing through my veins.
Now I'm like a junkie
Feening for another hit.
Never did I imagine I'd
Get hooked on you like this.
I'm strung out on
The love you're giving me.
My body goes through withdrawls
Whenever you are away from me.
This thing we have
Is fact, not fiction.
You're more than my love.
You are my addiction.
I don't understand this feeling.
What have you done to me?
I've never felt like this before.
Being sprung like this just ain't me.
Now I'm over here high as a kite
Thanks to your L-O-V-E.
I got to get you outta my system.
Detox in some sort of way.
It's getting to the point where I'm
Ill if I don't get a fix every day.
Your touch, your kiss
I just can't get enough.
Better than any weed or coke,
Your love is the sweetest drug.
I'm strung out on
The love you're giving me.
My body goes through withdrawls
Whenever you're away from me.
This thing we have
Is fact, not fiction.
You're more than my love.
You are my addiction........
RESPECT ME
Respect my hustle.
Respect my grind.
A better bitch than me
I know you'll never find.
Respect my style.
Respect my skills
Cuz if you won't appreciate me trust
That the next one will.
Respect my feelings.
Respect my heart.
Know that if you hurt me
I'll tear your ass apart.
Okay, that's all for now! I hope you enjoyed what you read. Drop a comment or hit me on Twitter and let me know :)
Besitos,
Toni
ONCE UPON A TIME....
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl that lived in the heart of the city. She had tons of people in her life that surrounded her with love and support. She was educated, had a great family, and was blessed all the way around. In spite of all this, she felt terribly lonely at times; doubtful of the love she was being given. Unsure as to why anyone would be drawn to someone as imperfect and flawed as she was. Uncertain of the praise she received, she would always find a way to deflect the compliments. She felt that, if she could see all of the scars and imperfections when she looked at herself, so could the rest of the world.
Then one morning, she woke up feeling as if it were the first time she had ever seen the sun. Suddenly, the whole world felt brand new. She looked at herself in the mirror and couldn’t believe what she saw. It felt as if she was looking at herself for the first time. For the first time in her life, she saw what others saw in her. All of the scars she had been wearing on the inside were no longer visible in her eyes and on her face as they had been for so long.
She closed her eyes and all of the words she had been hearing from her loved ones began ringing in her ears. And for the first tine in her life, she believed the words she was hearing. She believed she was capable of all things. She was convinced that she was deserving of the best. Not because she was entitled, but because she had EARNED it.
Now, that girl is proud to call herself a DIVA. She walks with her head held high, no longer allowing the past to weight her down. She has cleared her runway of debris and is ready to walk the clear path she has created for herself....
ADDICTED
I've always said relationships
Weren't for girls like me.
Kick it and quit it was
My motto, my philisophy.
Then you came along and
Suddenly, my whole outlook changed.
Now I'm over here strung out,
Your love flowing through my veins.
Now I'm like a junkie
Feening for another hit.
Never did I imagine I'd
Get hooked on you like this.
I'm strung out on
The love you're giving me.
My body goes through withdrawls
Whenever you are away from me.
This thing we have
Is fact, not fiction.
You're more than my love.
You are my addiction.
I don't understand this feeling.
What have you done to me?
I've never felt like this before.
Being sprung like this just ain't me.
Now I'm over here high as a kite
Thanks to your L-O-V-E.
I got to get you outta my system.
Detox in some sort of way.
It's getting to the point where I'm
Ill if I don't get a fix every day.
Your touch, your kiss
I just can't get enough.
Better than any weed or coke,
Your love is the sweetest drug.
I'm strung out on
The love you're giving me.
My body goes through withdrawls
Whenever you're away from me.
This thing we have
Is fact, not fiction.
You're more than my love.
You are my addiction........
RESPECT ME
Respect my hustle.
Respect my grind.
A better bitch than me
I know you'll never find.
Respect my style.
Respect my skills
Cuz if you won't appreciate me trust
That the next one will.
Respect my feelings.
Respect my heart.
Know that if you hurt me
I'll tear your ass apart.
Okay, that's all for now! I hope you enjoyed what you read. Drop a comment or hit me on Twitter and let me know :)
Besitos,
Toni
Monday, July 27, 2009
20 Things You Should Know About Me
So, since I'm pretty much sitting here at work for the moment, I figured I'd do another post. I'm gonna give you 20 things about me that you should or may wanna know. If I leave something out that you wanna know, let me know in the comment section or hit me on Twitter and I'll answer back. Here's the list in no specific order:
* I have lived in Maryland off and on my entire life, so the DMV will ALWAYS be home to me so if you disrespect it, be prepared to deal with me.
* I'm nosey as hell, which has helped in my blogging since I always gotta know every damn thing all the damn time.
* I may be a gossip by profession, but I am loyal to my friends and know how to keep my mouth closed when needed.
* I do NOT have a boyfriend or husband, but do have a baby's father that I haven't seen or spoken to since my son was 13 months old.
* I have no time or patience for ignorant or coonish shit. I have an allergy to that shit so keep it away from me or get put on blast.
* My dream in life is to be able to interview and meet all sorts of people and write about them.
* I have been writing since I was 4 years old, so that's pretty much all I know. I write everything from blogs to poetry to song lyrics.
* I'm probably the biggest flirt you'll ever meet. Something about flirting just makes my day lol.
* I love to laugh. There are times when I laugh out loud when I totally shouldn't be laughing, but tha'ts life right?
* When I see someone needs help, it's always my first instinct to assist them in any way that I can. Now, that doesn't always work to my advantage to the naked eye, but it pays off in other ways.
* Hip-Hop is the soundtrack to my life. Not this bullshit ringtone hip-hop that's on the radio now, but real and true hip-hop. The kind of hip-hop that inspires you, motivates you, tells a story that you relate to.
* If I hear the word 'swag' in one more song, I'm liable to snap. If you have it, then there's no need to tell everyone cuz you show it in everything you do.
* I'm the only Dominican I know that doesn't like beans. I love platanos (plantains for you non-Hispanics lol) and rice, but the sight of beans makes me wanna puke.
* While I love being admired and whatnot, there is no need to borderline stalk me. I can't stand a needy, beggin ass individual. If I'm feeling you, you'll know so chill the fuck out.
* As I've said many many times, I have the biggest potty mouth out of anyone I know. I curse by choice, not because I'm uneducated and don't have an extensive vocabulary.
* Some of my friends call me 'Encyclopedia' and 'Dictionary' because I know a lil bit about a lot of different things.
* Other than writing, I love to sing but have this fear of singing in public unless I'm drunk or something. One bad experience fucked my head up, but I'm finally getting over it.
* I am a Twitter junkie! If you wanna contact me, that's probably the best way to cuz I hate talking on the phone lol.
* I didn't really get into make-up and fashion until I was about 20 or so. I always liked to look nice, but labels and MAC were not in my vocabulary. I dressed like a boy half of my junior year of high school, so clearly a lot has changed lol.
* I'm all about moving forward in life. I see no point in holding onto or reliving the past because that's not gonna change a damn thing. Besides, the person you're pissed at or hurt by is probably not paying you any attention so why give them anymore of your mental space then they've already occupied?
Okay so, those are the first 20 things that came to my mind. On my Twitter, I asked people to send me questions they may have about me and here they are with my answers:
@JJamm11@ToniC813 Yeah are u single, doing your job do u get to make a lot stars in D.C. and do u get to travel.
* No, I do not have a boyfriend. I don't get to travel much with either of my jobs, but hopefully that will change in the future. I have interviewed The Dream as part of my blogging and have seen tons of people, but haven't met any personally yet except for The Dream.
@Poynt@ToniC813 how do you keep your smile so naturally bright and white like that? Share the beauty secrets Toni!!! ;-)
* Lol well, I brush my teeth daily. That's about it lmao. I use whitening toothpaste since I am a smoker.
So, there it is y'all. If I didn't answer something you might wanna know, feel free to hit me up. Guess I'll go back to working now.
Besitos Por Todos (Kisses for All),
Toni
* I have lived in Maryland off and on my entire life, so the DMV will ALWAYS be home to me so if you disrespect it, be prepared to deal with me.
* I'm nosey as hell, which has helped in my blogging since I always gotta know every damn thing all the damn time.
* I may be a gossip by profession, but I am loyal to my friends and know how to keep my mouth closed when needed.
* I do NOT have a boyfriend or husband, but do have a baby's father that I haven't seen or spoken to since my son was 13 months old.
* I have no time or patience for ignorant or coonish shit. I have an allergy to that shit so keep it away from me or get put on blast.
* My dream in life is to be able to interview and meet all sorts of people and write about them.
* I have been writing since I was 4 years old, so that's pretty much all I know. I write everything from blogs to poetry to song lyrics.
* I'm probably the biggest flirt you'll ever meet. Something about flirting just makes my day lol.
* I love to laugh. There are times when I laugh out loud when I totally shouldn't be laughing, but tha'ts life right?
* When I see someone needs help, it's always my first instinct to assist them in any way that I can. Now, that doesn't always work to my advantage to the naked eye, but it pays off in other ways.
* Hip-Hop is the soundtrack to my life. Not this bullshit ringtone hip-hop that's on the radio now, but real and true hip-hop. The kind of hip-hop that inspires you, motivates you, tells a story that you relate to.
* If I hear the word 'swag' in one more song, I'm liable to snap. If you have it, then there's no need to tell everyone cuz you show it in everything you do.
* I'm the only Dominican I know that doesn't like beans. I love platanos (plantains for you non-Hispanics lol) and rice, but the sight of beans makes me wanna puke.
* While I love being admired and whatnot, there is no need to borderline stalk me. I can't stand a needy, beggin ass individual. If I'm feeling you, you'll know so chill the fuck out.
* As I've said many many times, I have the biggest potty mouth out of anyone I know. I curse by choice, not because I'm uneducated and don't have an extensive vocabulary.
* Some of my friends call me 'Encyclopedia' and 'Dictionary' because I know a lil bit about a lot of different things.
* Other than writing, I love to sing but have this fear of singing in public unless I'm drunk or something. One bad experience fucked my head up, but I'm finally getting over it.
* I am a Twitter junkie! If you wanna contact me, that's probably the best way to cuz I hate talking on the phone lol.
* I didn't really get into make-up and fashion until I was about 20 or so. I always liked to look nice, but labels and MAC were not in my vocabulary. I dressed like a boy half of my junior year of high school, so clearly a lot has changed lol.
* I'm all about moving forward in life. I see no point in holding onto or reliving the past because that's not gonna change a damn thing. Besides, the person you're pissed at or hurt by is probably not paying you any attention so why give them anymore of your mental space then they've already occupied?
Okay so, those are the first 20 things that came to my mind. On my Twitter, I asked people to send me questions they may have about me and here they are with my answers:
@JJamm11@ToniC813 Yeah are u single, doing your job do u get to make a lot stars in D.C. and do u get to travel.
* No, I do not have a boyfriend. I don't get to travel much with either of my jobs, but hopefully that will change in the future. I have interviewed The Dream as part of my blogging and have seen tons of people, but haven't met any personally yet except for The Dream.
@Poynt@ToniC813 how do you keep your smile so naturally bright and white like that? Share the beauty secrets Toni!!! ;-)
* Lol well, I brush my teeth daily. That's about it lmao. I use whitening toothpaste since I am a smoker.
So, there it is y'all. If I didn't answer something you might wanna know, feel free to hit me up. Guess I'll go back to working now.
Besitos Por Todos (Kisses for All),
Toni
And So It Begins....
I've been blogging professionally for like a year now, so it's a little strange for me to be writing this and not talk about Chris Brown or the Nas and Kelis drama, but I'll do my best lol. I started this blog to let y'all know what's going on in MY life, not the lives of the people I write about daily. So, if you're reading this with expectations of me dishing the dirt on celebs, then you should go to http://ezstreetshow.com where I do that every day. This blog will be all about me and my life. Now that we've gotten the disclaimer outta the way, let's get it in.
As I said, I've been blogging for EZ Street for like a year now, and I love it! He's definitely one of the coolest people I've ever met in life. Well, thanks to the great teacher that he has been and my skills as a writer, Radio One's internet division, Interactive One, has contracted me to help them build blogging teams for all of their DC radio personalities. It's gonna be part of my job to interview perspective interns to see if they have what it takes. Then I'm gonna help in the training of these interns and also getting them familiar with their assigned DJ's. I'm so far beyond excited I don't know what to do, but I'm also hella nervous at the same time. I know what I'm talking about and know how to do the job, but it's still a big thing for me. This contract is going to help me get the experience I need so I can start my own consulting business, which is one of my long-term goals. I wanna eventually be the go to person for companies looking to build blogging staff. Does that sound crazy? I look at it this way: Print news is fading away, so more people are looking to create online content, like blogs, but aren't sure how. That's where my team and I would come in. I want to provide blog training that's inclusive of ALL aspects of blogging, including blog promotion using social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook to bring traffic to their blogs and search engine optimization. There's soooo much more to blogging than people think and I just want to give people the tools they need to be successful.
So, my birthday is coming up in like two weeks and I haven't the slightest clue what I'm wearing to my party or what I would like to receive as a gift. I do know that I will be celebrating my birthday at Ibiza Nightclub in DC (shouts to the boy Marko Polo for looking out for a sista! :)) on August 14th, the day after my actual birthday. It's gonna be a joint party for me and Mia since her birthday is literally 14 days after mine. We throw our party together every year and they're always memorable lol. For example, last year we threw a pajama party at our house (Mia and I are roommates) and it was a scene to say the least lol. This year, I wanna wear something different than my normal jeans and top you know? My friend Nikki of Nikera Clothing (http://www.nikeraclothing.com) has some FABULOUS dresses that I'm checking out, so I'm sure I'll look spectacular regardless.
Well, y'all, I'm at work so I gotta keep it short for now. I'll be back soon.
Con Besitos y Amor (with kisses and love),
Toni
As I said, I've been blogging for EZ Street for like a year now, and I love it! He's definitely one of the coolest people I've ever met in life. Well, thanks to the great teacher that he has been and my skills as a writer, Radio One's internet division, Interactive One, has contracted me to help them build blogging teams for all of their DC radio personalities. It's gonna be part of my job to interview perspective interns to see if they have what it takes. Then I'm gonna help in the training of these interns and also getting them familiar with their assigned DJ's. I'm so far beyond excited I don't know what to do, but I'm also hella nervous at the same time. I know what I'm talking about and know how to do the job, but it's still a big thing for me. This contract is going to help me get the experience I need so I can start my own consulting business, which is one of my long-term goals. I wanna eventually be the go to person for companies looking to build blogging staff. Does that sound crazy? I look at it this way: Print news is fading away, so more people are looking to create online content, like blogs, but aren't sure how. That's where my team and I would come in. I want to provide blog training that's inclusive of ALL aspects of blogging, including blog promotion using social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook to bring traffic to their blogs and search engine optimization. There's soooo much more to blogging than people think and I just want to give people the tools they need to be successful.
So, my birthday is coming up in like two weeks and I haven't the slightest clue what I'm wearing to my party or what I would like to receive as a gift. I do know that I will be celebrating my birthday at Ibiza Nightclub in DC (shouts to the boy Marko Polo for looking out for a sista! :)) on August 14th, the day after my actual birthday. It's gonna be a joint party for me and Mia since her birthday is literally 14 days after mine. We throw our party together every year and they're always memorable lol. For example, last year we threw a pajama party at our house (Mia and I are roommates) and it was a scene to say the least lol. This year, I wanna wear something different than my normal jeans and top you know? My friend Nikki of Nikera Clothing (http://www.nikeraclothing.com) has some FABULOUS dresses that I'm checking out, so I'm sure I'll look spectacular regardless.
Well, y'all, I'm at work so I gotta keep it short for now. I'll be back soon.
Con Besitos y Amor (with kisses and love),
Toni
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